Life and Bruises

Man, life is sure happening.  This time of year is when we settle into new routines and enjoy earlier bedtimes.  There is  a definite chill in the air where I live, leaves are turning gorgeous colors, gardens are being harvested one last time.  Best of all, my husband has changed his schedule at work so that he's available more often....sometimes even when the kids are in school!  It's been great to hang out with him more, and he's definitely taken the opportunity to tease, torment, and satisfy me more often :) 

I don't know if this is normal or not, but usually beyond getting red, my bottom no longer marks, so we haven't seen bruises on me in quite a while.  But a few days ago, Ash decided to switch things up and made me spread my legs as I bent over the back of our big chair, so he could reach the inside of my cheeks, and thoroughly worked me over with the horrible holey plastic spoon.  He kept stopping to have me service him though, so I got mini breaks and didn't realize just how bad it had gotten back there.  I was sore for sure, even had to play on the tablet on my tummy, which I don't usually need to do.  But it didn't occur to me to look at the damage until the following day when I was exiting the shower(and then only cause it was still so tender!).  I was really surprised to find several tiny bruises on one side and a lemon-sized purple splotch on the other. Unfortunately, I think that area will soon be a bruise-free zone too like the rest of my bottom. It kind of sucks not having marks show up anymore, because when all that's left is a slight redness after a few hours, he might think he didn't do a good enough job!

I keep thinking of things I would like to post about, but only having internet access two days a week is cramping my style in that department, plus I'm super busy.  Managing the day to day kid stuff, serving my husband full time, and cooking all our food from scratch is about all I am up to right now anyway, so unfortunately all I have right now is mundane updates. I am still  slowly working on my novel, only about an hour a day, so I probably won't be finished for a year at this rate.  But the next time I post I should be in a place where I can include an interesting, if not spicy, excerpt.

Until then, I leave you with this loving image  :)

Is it "Bratting", And is it Preventable?

Hello to everyone in the Land! I have enjoyed mostly lurking on your blogs lately, but I do miss commenting! I have very little time on the internet these days, as Ash has shifted my focus to other tasks and activities. In my last post, I was excited/nervous about the return of nearly everyday spankings since our little clan has gone back to school. Ash and I had both assumed that we'd just pick up where we left off in June and it would pretty much be the same: He spanks me long and hard at least 4 days a week.  But we didn't take into account the personal growth that has occurred in each of us individually and in our relationship.

The past 3 months have provided us with PLENTY of opportunities to grow closer as we have faced challenges that seemed insurmountable and come out on top, together. His leadership has improved, he is consistent and thoughtful now in ways he wasn't before. Because of this, my submission has deepened with his gentle(and sometimes not so gentle!) encouragement. I find it easier to comply without always giving him my 2 cents, and am left feeling content and grateful for his direction rather than unheard and slighted.
 Because of the increase in my positive attitudes and behaviors, and the decrease in my unwanted attitudes and behaviors, things have changed spanking-wise. Ash no longer considers it wise to spank the way he did before, when I am really doing pretty well. He has also learned to use alternative punishments when he feels they are appropriate, such as corner time, early bedtime, restriction from certain things I love, etc. So now it's only once or twice a week that I am spanked until I'm pretty much incoherently sobbing. Lucky for my butt, I'm a big baby and it doesn't take much to make me cry!

In fact, if I go too long between the hard whoopins, I start to cry at really dumb things(needless to say I cried a lot at the stupidest things all summer!). It's awfully embarrassing too because of course Ash always notices and knows exactly what's wrong and how to fix it. It is very humbling to admit out loud that I need him to do what he does so well.
Now, as for the title of this post. I find myself occasionally wanting to "poke" my bear of a husband(who seriously growls at me in his sleep sometimes! It's adorable.)even despite getting adequate attention and discipline. I am not allowed to stick my tongue out at him, roll my eyes, or be sarcastic to him. But sometimes I just want to so bad! I gave in to that feeling tonight before I could think better of it, even though my bottom is still glowing red from this morning, and briefly stuck my tongue out at him. He just went about his business! I pondered that for a moment, unsure of how I felt about that.

Do I do a happy dance 'cause I got away with it? Do I feel hurt that he didn't care to correct me? Am I too much work for him?

I decided I wasn't exactly happy with myself for doing it, and not happy he let it go either, so I talked with him about it. Turns out he didn't see it, but he thanked me for telling on myself again(which I always do, for better or for worse!)and then used the horrid plastic spoon full of holes to remind me that my tongue belongs many places, but sticking out at him isn't one of them!
 I guess I am wondering if any of you ladies out there ever feel this way, even when things are going well. And if so, is it "bratting"? Even if it's a split-second, almost unconscious decision? Is there anything that helps you not to do this? I would never plot to get my husband's attention by acting badly on purpose, don't get me wrong. Sometimes the little girl in me just wants to be naughty, and shoves the adult aside.

 

Maybe I should download this card into my brain and give little me and big me each a copy!

The Return of Everyday Spankings

Fall is almost here! It is the best season of all time for many reasons, not the least of which is the more temperate weather and beautiful colors. I plan to spend most of my time for the next three months in a place that looks like this

Another great thing about Autumn is that the kids have all gone back to school, which means that Ash and I now have a couple hours each day together, kid-free.  And of course, that means lots more spankings for me.  Today was the first of many "good girl" spankings. Before you say "lucky girl!", let me explain. During the summer, I mostly just get punishment spankings and occasional stress relief or reconnection spankings. During the fall winter and spring, I get almost daily long, hard spankings (for me that's like 10 minutes or so) to keep me in an obedient and submissive mindset and to help me remember to be good, because I HATE punishments, even though they are no where near as hard or long. Ash calls these good girl spankings because they help me be his good girl.  I tried explaining what I think a good girl spanking should be (you know, not too hard, lots of sexy touching, etc.) but so far he's not so receptive to the idea. He likes his way better. Imagine that. On the bright side, when it's all over I do feel more connected to him and I have an easier time obeying and having a good attitude.
I am also very much looking forward to fall food! In the summer we keep things light with lots of fresh seasonal fruits and veggies and lean protein as the bulk of what we eat. But in the fall and winter there are so many possibilities, and I can use my oven again!

 

 Yum!

 I am in the process of writing a new book too. I got half way done with my last book before my computer crashed and I lost ALL my data. So this time, I keep back-ups! I have been writing fiction for a long time, and spanking fiction for about 10 years, but I've never considered publishing until recently. When I began blogging this time, it was with the intention of sharing some of that work, thus the blog title. But after reviewing some old stuff, I decided my style has changed for the better so I'm not sharing those! As I get further into the plot of my current work, I am hoping to post excerpts here to see what people think. I would love feedback, positive or negative, as long as it's constructive and honest :) I am having so much fun tapping into my inner magic for this story!  Hopefully I will be able to post more often now that I have my days somewhat to myself again too.

 Happy end of Summer!

May we all remember our blessings that they lessen our burdens.

I have missed blogland!

Things here have been good. I am not able to access the internet except for twice a week and some weeknights now due to my husband's work schedule though, so I have (obviously!) not been able to post or read much.  Plus I COMPLETELY broke my husband's phone that I use to go online on the weeknights.  It still works but the screen looks like this:

So it's a little difficult to see and comment without cutting myself! 

I tried a screen cover but there were too many glass shards for it to stick well :(  Oh well, at least I didn't get in trouble for breaking it. It really was an accident and I was crying as I told him what I did because I felt terrible. He assured me that it was no big deal, he loves me more than his phone, lol.  What I wanted to share tonight was a short "story" that I wrote for my husband a little while ago.  I was trying to explain how I was feeling at the time but I couldn't do it because it just upset me, so I had to pretend it wasn't me. I pretended that He and I were just character from one of my stories.  Can anyone here identify?

Once upon a time there was a woman who missed a Man. She was a slave who missed her Master, a pet who missed her Owner, a wife who missed her husband, a slut who missed being used, a naughty little girl who missed her strict disciplinarian, a submissive who missed her Sir, a queen who missed her King. She was used to having decisions made for her, being watched closely, and being given instructions and orders.  She was also accustomed to obeying this Man, for if she didn’t she knew that she would be punished.  You see, she loved this Man she missed more than anything in the whole world, and he loved her too.  He showed his love to her every day by seeing areas of her life that she struggled with and helping her change them.  More than just a Man, He was her creator too, molding and shaping her through loving discipline, helping her become the person they both knew she could be.  Now, I know it sounds like a lot of work that the Man was doing, and it was.  But it was not without benefit for Him as well. His woman could be whatever he needed her to be, he only had to command it. Helping His woman overcome her stumbling blocks in life made Him think about His own actions.  She always looked at Him with stars in her eyes, and truly if you asked her, she would tell you that the sun rose and set with Him.  The trust she put in Him to guide her through life made Him very aware of his own moral failures and triumphs, so that he too was constantly becoming a better person. 

But lately the Man had withdrawn a bit, not guiding and disciplining his woman the way he usually did. This made the woman begin to feel insecure about her place in the world. She knew that the Man loved her still, though he didn’t show it in all the ways he usually did.  But knowing and seeing are different things.  She wanted to be truthful to the Man when he asked her what was wrong, but she thought it would only upset him to hear the truth so she said “nothing”.  The woman tried her best to be patient and bide her time until the man returned to his true self, but emotions continued to overwhelm her.  Every time the Man failed to discipline or lecture or instruct her, a voice rang out in her head: “He doesn’t love you”.  Every time she lay in bed, unused, the voice repeated: “He doesn’t love you.” Her head knew this to be a lie, but her heart was not always so wise.  But still, she pushed the voice aside and after many tears, banished the voice again and again. 

At any command he gave her, her heart surged with happiness.  With every infrequent correction, she nearly swooned.  These things were tangible proof of his love! She would try harder to be patient and wait for him to come back to her. 

The End

Just Us

I would like to apologize for the dramatic posts lately. I claim PMS as my only real excuse. Sometimes things just seem so hopeless and huge in the moment, ya know? So after my last post, I wrote to my husband and detailed why I was so worked up. I tried to better explain myself and made sure to reiterate and expound upon the key points, and wonder of wonders, he got it! We have talked at length since then about what I wrote and how we both feel about the issues I brought up. And even though I am still struggling with some things, the simple act of sharing with him made me feel so much better! He told me that he knew he had been lax with me since the kids have been out of school. He was aware that he had been less "Hoh-ey" as well. He even remarked that he missed the closeness that almost daily spankings brought. But most importantly to me, he understands now that I need him to DO SOMETHING about these things. To be fair, he does work a lot. But, he has promised to carve out time for us to just be "us" without having to worry about little eyes and ears. And he has decided that I have grown too big for my britches in the last couple of months, talking back(which I NEVER do of course) a bit too often. So I am trying extra hard to watch my P's and Q's and be respectful, but I usually fall flat on my face on this matter at least a couple times a week  :(  Tomorrow is our first kid-free together time, so hopefully only a short amount of that time will be spent with only me undressed. As much as I know it's beneficial and totally necessary, it sucks getting spanked! I apologize if there are many spelling/punctuation errors. Mobile blogger doesn't have spellcheck and its really late  :) Hope everyone is having a good week so far!

I popped

Well, despite the great advice given to me and a little effort on my part, I still have not been properly spanked since the first week of June. There were a few mini-punishments, lots of smacks here and there, including a very public handful of hard smacks at the grocery store, and many more in the kitchen where we have 2 drawers plus a canister full of potential implements stashed away. I actually have been really well behaved, aside from a few little things. I have spoken to him with a less than pleasant tone at times, stuck my tongue out once or twice, forgotten a chore once.  Those were all dealt with quickly and were over, no big deal.  So in my husband's mind (I am pretty much guessing here, aside from a few times of him telling me what a good girl I have been) there is no real reason to spank. We have discussed the lack of span I still call him Sir, I serve him and I obey him gladly most of the time. We sit together each night and I get to snuggle under his arm, he still makes me go to bed each night when he says I am tired enough, whether I want to or not(darn him for reading me so well in that department!) and kisses me goodnight. I am submissive to him.  But.........over the last month my attitude and outlook have changed a little bit. Where  before I was eager to serve him every time, now sometimes it's a chore. Where I used to obey with a genuine smile, now I sometimes fake one. I don't feel as close and connected to him, and I am guilty of a gradual "un-softening" of my heart. Something's been missing and I have been clueless as to how to put it into words, but here is a picture. (By the way, I do know that what I have with him is more than some people could dream of and that I am spoiled. But please don't take offense, I am just trying to process.)

I have also been confused as to his expectations of me in certain ways. For example, he always tells me that he wants me to be myself, that he likes how I tell him what I think and that I play around. But sometimes I get in trouble for those same things. Not as much lately, but today.....I was in the kitchen and we had been chatting back and forth playfully. I said something VERY mildly insulting to him, joking as we had been all morning. He didn't find it as funny as I did and gave me a very solid whack with a heavy spoon that has holes in it(while I futilely attempted to explain what I said).  That was when the past month's worth of not enough attention and decreasing connection came to a head and I popped. I melted down into immediate tears and couldn't form a coherent word, so I excused myself to my room. Ash followed me, horrified. Apparently he had meant to deliver a playful swat, not leave a big purple bruise with one swat and emotionally overwhelm me. He apologized profusely and I assured him that I was "fine", and asked for time alone, which he gave me. I sobbed and did chores trying to process what I was feeling and understand why on earth I was so upset. About an hour later Ash came to check on me and patiently but persistently prodded me to talk to him. When it took me ten minutes to share with him that I was confused and hurt and felt that I was no longer his priority, and I still couldn't tell him why.....that 's when I knew that I had been building walls around my heart this whole time. I knew what I needed, but I was too upset and embarrassed to explain it. It makes me feel so inferior as a woman sometimes that I need his instructive and disciplinary influence on me to be really happy in our marriage.  And emotionally, I was feeling just like I did the first time I had to explain to him that I wanted him to discipline me. So I didn't go there. And I tried so hard to calm down for him, I really did. But I remain on the verge of tears even now, hours later, and I suspect many more will be shed before I am done writing to/for him.  Why is it so hard to understand my feelings? They're mine, after all. Am I just emotionally stupid? Do I not pay enough attention to life? I really don't know. I just hope I can get it all straight-both in my head and on paper tonight so that it makes sense.....to me AND to my husband.  So here is my wish(on the first star tonight, since it's not my birthday):

Why does a husband taking charge, paying attention and spanking his wife soundly produce such a magical effect? I really wish there was some other way.

What has gotten in to me?

Summer is here, hooray! Time for shorts and sunbathing and bbq and margaritas on the porch. Also, time for the kids to be home ALL DAY LONG. Which, honestly, I mostly love. I enjoy hanging out with them, teaching them new things and talking about random and not-so-random things. They are a fun little group. But alas, I was spoiled during the school year and had my Husband to myself for a few hours every day, without my kiddos. So now that they are home practically 24/7, there is no real alone time for my Husband and I except after 10:30, by which time we are both pretty tired.

I can't believe I didn't realize just how easy I had it! We had plenty of time for sex, spanking, cuddle time, everything. But now we are doing our best to squeeze it in. I only get to have him 4 nights a week, as his second job takes him away the other three nights :(  So there are lots of quick half-spankings, groping in the hallways, sternly whispered lectures, and other overt signs that DD/D/s/ttwd is alive and well. And it is, really. I just suddenly find myself really wanting to challenge him!

It is so frustrating, because I know I shouldn't stick my tongue out at him, but I just get an overwhelming urge to do it, so sometimes I do. I know it's not in my best interest to refuse to answer the way he expects when he's HOLDING the paddle. But do I care? Apparently not. I am so frustrated with myself that I just don't know what to do. Why am I suddenly having such bratty impulses? Most of the time I am the mild-mannered good girl who serves her man respectfully. But sometimes, like daily, that girl goes away and the brat comes out.

Unfortunately, I think I know what will make The Brat go away(yes, I am giving that side of me a name now :) ) and that is an extra long, extra hard punishment that will leave me with no doubt as to who I am and how I am expected to behave. But.....I don't see how that is going to happen anytime soon. I would suggest alternative punishments to Ash, but he finds most of them "too childish for an adult"(his words).

Am I just being a big baby? Do I just need to suck it up and tell myself that if it sounds fun to do while Ash is around that I probably shouldn't do it? I don't know. Like I said, it only happens once or twice a day lately(although that is a lot, right?)that I have an irresistible urge to do something naughty. If anybody has any ideas, I'd love to hear them. If I am being a big spoiled weenie you should tell me that too. It's hard, sometimes to tell if you are just being self-indulgent or what.

I hope all of you out there is blogland are having a good week, and thanks for listening to me whine!

The Vagina Post

I had a conversation with a friend recently about vaginas. There may or may not have been alcohol involved. Here is a recap, to distract you from a million other things you could be doing!  :)

Who knew people were so creative with names for our girly parts?

Eeeeew! Do chickens even have vaginas?

Seriously, who comes up with this stuff?

Grooming 101?

Take it from Betty, she's one smart cookie

Q: Did you hear about the blind gynecologist? 
A: He could read lips!

 

 Isn't that how everyone deals with a bad day?!?

Not the color I would choose either......


Happy Tuesday!

Processing Events

Today has been a truly odd day. In fact this week has just been weird. Sunday night I got some bad news, and was in a very emotional, strange head space until Monday night. I talked to my Grandmother and she prayed with me, and just basically soothed my soul. And then there was today. My family is back to normal, as my sister's children have gone back home to live with their parents. Today Ash and I had the house to ourselves for the first time in over a month! Of course he had definite ideas on what we would be doing. I haven't been napping nearly often enough lately, so now that I can, he insisted that I take a nap. Normally I don't need much persuading, but I really wasn't that tired this morning. He tucked me in anyway. I tried to sleep, I really did. I dozed in and out and had just really fallen asleep when he came to wake me up. But even though I was now tired, I was more exited to spend the day with him so I got up and made lunch, then went to take a shower. He came upstairs when I got out and ordered me over the pillows for a long-awaited "real" spanking(instead of 10 quick hard paddle smacks that had been serving as a spanking during The Time of Many Children).
  I reminded him that it had been a while since we had done this and my bottom would greatly appreciate gentler treatment in the beginning. I told him this about 5 times from Monday night until that moment. He said he would start lighter, and began to smack away. Well, they weren't full force smacks, but they sure stung like crazy. I told him it hurt too much, but he remarked that he wasn't even smacking that hard yet. So after ten or fifteen of his "lighter" smacks, he went to town, hard and fast. I was sobbing instantly, and trying(but failing) to catch my breath. Part of the problem on my end was that my face was too close to one of the pillows, keeping me from breathing properly. He spanked me like that for about 2 minutes I think, but it felt like forever. He ended with his usual extra hard smacks, and then stopped.
After about 30 seconds, he asked me why I was crying, as he always does after I get spanked. I couldn't find any words, just tears. I cried for another couple of minutes before I could calm down enough to talk to him. 
He asked why I was so upset, what was wrong? He really had no clue. I told him that my feelings were hurt because he didn't pay attention to my request, and instead overwhelmed me with pain.  I told him that I realize it's not up to me how I am spanked(which he likes to remind me of), but that I was upset that he didn't realize how panicked I was, and I just really was hurt that he didn't take the time to do a warm up after so long of no real spanking. I am never given a warm up before a punishment, but he has slowly come around to giving them for most other spankings. This time I was not in trouble, it was just to reconnect.
By this time there was not too much sting left in my bottom, and I was just so sad and a little mad. I asked him if we could just start over, and please be more gentle in the beginning this time.
 He of course had apologized a bunch by now for making me feel that way, and he said he didn't realize I was panicked and unable to breathe because I kept my face in the pillow. He even asked if I wanted to give him swats so I would feel better. I chose not to. Then he agreed to start over.
This time was a lot easier to take of course, because of the previous spanking. He actually used his hand, which he has never done before aside from smacks here and there during the day. Then he progressed to using the black paddle again, with a much more gradual build up this time, then finishing in the usual way. I was crying again, and it took most of the afternoon to be able to stop. Even now as I write this I am tearing up and I can't sort out why I am still so upset. We both failed to communicate well here, and he didn't even leave a single mark, so it's not like he was too hard on me. It must just be life again.
A couple hours later we watched a horrible foreign film called "Martyrs", which I do not recommend(unless seriously maiming people is your thing). We did watch the whole thing, as it was like a train wreck and we just had to see what carnage was down the line. But as soon as it was over we deleted it! Then we went upstairs for some cuddle time, which in our house really means he pins me down and tickles me. That was fun :)
But now I am alone for the first time in a very long time. Ash is at his 2nd job and the kids are sleeping. I think I'm going to watch a Disney movie and go to bed early to rest up, as Ash has promised to work on his warm up skills and "help" me work on my communication skills all day tomorrow!

Adjustments

So, how are things, you ask? Well, life is happening. Lots of kid's functions and extended-family drama. School's almost out, so there's lots of planning to do to keep those kiddos entertained and out of trouble! In my last post I told you that our D/s-DD dynamic was still going strong. That's still true. But I have learned some things about myself over the past couple weeks.
 I have learned that I need frequent reminders to submit to my husband, even when physical reminders aren't possible. Apparently I tend to get a little too independent when I only get spanked once every 9 days or so. Ash still smacks my butt frequently throughout the day, but there's a special, almost magical thing that happens when I am well-spanked. It seems to transform my attitude completely. I stop trying to figure things out on my own, I don't worry, I don't question him or try to get my way. For a few days after he holds me tightly and spanks away(as I cry and try my best to avoid the swats) I am gentle, peaceful, docile, obedient, happy.  I look to him for my answers, and ask for permission when I should.
I have learned that I get insecure when I think he may not be secure in his role. After many days of not experiencing his physical dominance much, I am not up for jokes about how he is willing to put up with a pile of laundry on the bed because he is just glad that he doesn't have to fold it. I don't react well when he tells me to get into position and I do it halfway and he lets it go. Little things can put me in a very vulnerable and sad place. So I had to write him a letter and explain, because to a normal person, joking about laundry does not make them question their role in a relationship. Of course he knew that he could command that I find a way to keep up on all the chores I usually do despite the extra demands on my time, I just needed to hear him say that he was being mindful of my needs and limits. We both learned while leniency may seem kind, it's not what I need.
Like all good things, our relationship is constantly evolving and growing. I consider my husband my partner, my love, my Dom, Hoh, Master. I have learned that I really get joy from serving him too, and things are so peaceful between us. Even when I accidentally create drama, he takes care of it and it's over before it starts. I feel so blessed to be married to such a man, that understands me so well, and continues to work at doing so.
Life is truly crazy and busy and messy. But how boring would it be otherwise? :)

Caution: Changes in The Road Ahead!

Life is sure crazy these days. Spring is here and the time to sit under a cozy blanket and blog by the fire is gone. Now I'm lucky if I get to sit down at all during the day! This is the time for digging in the garden, going to the park, walking to school instead of driving, and opening the windows wide. Unfortunately this leaves little time for playing on the internet. In addition to this, my 2 young nephews are now living with my husband and I for at least the next month. It is a big change for us to add 2 preschoolers to our 3 bedroom house, especially since my youngest is now 8, so nothing is childproofed anymore :) But all is going well so far. They miss their parents of course, but we are staying busy.

{not us of course but you get the picture!}

I do, however, miss my privacy terribly. I used to have a few uninterrupted hours every day with my Sir, but that is now a thing of the past. We have 2 hours alone together 3-4 days a week, which I know is more than some people get, but I have been spoiled. Thank goodness he is such a wonderful man. Our dd-D/s dynamic has not slipped even a little, despite having constant company these days. Even when his mother came to spend the day with us, I was not excused from answering with "yes, Sir" to his questions and requests. And he must have been feeling particularly ballsy today because we had all 5 children plus 2 neighbor kids playing at our house. They all ran upstairs while we were downstairs, and he quickly whipped my pants down and smacked my ass a couple of times, very hard. Then he pulled my pants up and and answered to my questioning look, "Just because."

 I can still kneel at his feet and hug him, though I will have a toddler climbing on my back, and though it is really a struggle sometimes to maintain my submission when I am managing 5 loud boisterous small people and all the meals and squabbles and needs that come with them, he really helps keep me calm and centered.
So while I will be sneaking in reading and commenting as much as time will allow, I kind of doubt that I will have very much time to post. If anything happens here that truly bears mention though, I promise I'll make an effort.  Though it does seems that blogland is less occupied these days, this is the season to get up and play and make the most of the sunshine if we get any :)  When darker, chilly days return, I'm sure we'll all pick up our mugs of cider and our laptops to hunker down and ponder more deeply ttwd.

Who is This Liebster?

Many thanks to the lovely Nina at Awesome Feeling of Love for  nominating me for the

 I think this is a wonderful way for us all to get to know each other better and discover new blogs to visit!

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog.
2. Display the award on your blog-- by including it in your post and / or displaying it using a "widget" or "gadget".
3. Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.
4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
5. Nominate 5 to 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display the widget that lets readers know this information.
6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.
7. List these rules on your post. Once you have written and published it, you then have to :
8. Inform people/blogs that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!)

 Nina's questions for me, and my answers:

1. What's your favourite sleeping position (spoon, back-to-back, etc.)? 
 I always sleep curled up in a semi-fetal position on my right side wrapped in a cocoon of blankets
 
2. Have you got a favourite mug, cup or piece of china, and if so, what made it your favourite?
Nope :)

3. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?
My financial status

4. What is the most important thing that you have learned from current and past relationships?
It takes true honesty(with yourself and with your partner)to have a deep connection. Holding back only ensures that your love isn't as deep as it could be.

5. What do you find most attractive in your partner?
His sense of humor and confidence

6. What are the three favourite things you can't live without?
Tea, fuzzy blankets, and my family

7. What's the first thing you notice when you look at someone?
Their eyes. I tend to make a lot of eye contact

8. What's your favourite book genre?
I love a good historical romance, but horror fiction(love Stephen King) is my fave

9. Is there a favourite song of yours? All-time or currently?
My current favorites are the songs from the movie "Frozen" 

10. What's the favourite treat that you give yourself once in a while?
Bubble baths!(which of course include wine and candles)

11. What's the best gift you have ever received?
My first baby was born right before Christmas, so I got to take her home on Christmas Eve and "unwrap" her! 

11 Random Facts About Me 

I love love love to eat lemons with lots of salt

I have reddish hair and my ancestry is  mostly Irish and Scottish

I have been to Mexico, Canada, California, Oregon, and Washington but no where else

I sometimes meow like a cat to songs when I am feeling goofy(my husband made me add this in, I think I will refrain from asking for his help again!)

If I were able to work I would love to be a chef

I am a bargain hunter, and I hate to pay full price for anything unless I have to

I crack myself up! I think of funny things all the time and I'm too embarrassed to say them sometimes, so If you see a weirdo laughing to herself in public, it's probably me :)

I love writing fiction and I'm currently working on a novel

I am a simple girl: I own 3 pairs of shoes, 1 purse, and a couple pairs of earrings for accessories

I would love to have more land to have chickens and a cow

I dream vividly and bizarrely in multiple languages, black&white and color, sometimes I'm another person, and I always remember at least one of my dreams every day. 

Now, if you are still reading and haven't run screaming, here are my nominations :

Lenna        Surrendered Wife         Master49         FloridaDom           EsMay and Duke Sir

Here is my list of questions for the above bloggers, should they choose to participate:

1. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

2. What is the part of your body you find most attractive?

3. What is your favorite movie genre? 

4. If you were offered the job of leader of your country, would you take it? Why/why not?

5. If you had to pick a motto or tagline for your life, what would it be?

6. Do you believe in magic or supernatural phenomena?

7. If you were an animal, what would you be?

8. What is your favorite indulgence?

9. What do you value most about your partner? If you are unattached, what would you look for in a potential partner?

10. Do you eat dinner at the table with your family?

11. Is there anything you wish more people knew about you?

Well, there it is folks! Now you know more about me, let's learn some more about you :) 

 

Off The Ledge

Today was an "off" day for me. I was easily annoyed and a little tightly wound, and I  had been distancing myself all morning in an effort to conceal my emotions. Then I had an emotional breakdown as soon as the children were gone. I think it kind of scares Ash to see me so very upset and not know why. I couldn't keep from crying even though I tried, as I explained my frustrations at the situation. I was feeling so very sad and hopeless about it because we have both been doing everything in our power to change this situation, but no matter what we do nothing seems to make a difference.

Usually, I am the positive, calm one when it comes to this subject and he is the one who freaks out, so this was really unusual for me. Since I couldn't calm down and I was overtired from missing my morning nap, Ash told me to go lay down. I did, but I couldn't sleep. He came to check on me and found I wasn't sleeping, so he asked me why.  I just couldn't turn my brain off, and talking to him made me cry again from my emotions just being so raw. I broke down and shared my concerns with him in detail, just sobbing.

That's when he surprised me. He told me "You are mine, I've got you. We will get through this together, like we get through everything."{I'm paraphrasing here because I was too upset to memorize his actual words, but you get the drift} Then he hugged me and told me to take a bath and relax, which I did.
I emerged an hour later feeling a lot better, ready to face the challenges that life continues to throw our way. I thanked him for "talking me down off the ledge" so to speak, and we resumed our day.
I am so grateful for the man I call my husband, lover, Hoh, soul mate.  He really is perfect for me :)

Naughtiness

I was a naughty girl yesterday.
 Now, I know you are all so shocked, because of course I am usually just such an angel :-P         Seriously though, have you ever had one of those moments where something just comes over you and you are looking for trouble? I don't know how else to explain it other than a childish impulse to do the wrong thing for the thrill of it. Thankfully, I don't get this feeling often and when I do I am usually able to kindly ask it to go away. But yesterday I befriended that feeling instead and broke a rule.

My sugar intake is strictly controlled by my husband, so if I want a treat I have to ask for it. Sometimes he says yes, but more often the answer is no. I asked him for this rule a few months ago and it's been really great {except that I don't get what I want all the time}.  I make almost everything my family eats from scratch so I am in the kitchen a LOT. I have to taste things to make sure they are "right".  It is hard to accurately measure caloric intake by the spoonful here and there though.  And I confess I also have a bit of a sweet tooth.  I also have some weight to lose due to medication and lack of ability{yep, I'm defective} to do any cardio :(

Thus, the rule, but back to what happened. I had a bite sized Twix bar without asking.  I wasn't thinking about the state my bottom would be in when I confessed, or that he would be disappointed in my behavior. Nope, I was basically thinking "I want a candy darn it, and I don't want to ask permission because he might say no, and besides I can decide for myself so I just won't tell him!"
 I know, I'm shaking my head at me too, even as I write. I ALWAYS tell on myself right away whenever I mess up.  I just cannot look him in the eye if I don't. So I told him about 15 minutes afterward, and he almost seemed amused as he lectured me and called me a naughty girl. I had to wait till this morning for my punishment though because that's when the kids would be at school. Ash knows I get nervous when I have to wait, so he kept reminding me through the evening that I had a spanking coming and that he was going to really let me have it.  I think that man enjoys seeing me squirm!
The morning came and I went through my usual routine. When Ash got up it was about time for my nap so I was sent upstairs with a resounding smack to my behind and a reminder to "be a good girl and go right to sleep so you will be rested for your spanking."  Luckily I fall asleep easily, so I went right to bed feeling safe and warm and forgetting all about my impending doom.
But, naps can't last forever so after I woke up and showered I had to go tell him I was ready. Now, I was getting nervous.  I hadn't been spanked in 3 days, and I still have that "rough patch" on my left cheek.  It is healing, though slowly, but I was worried that the skin there might crack or something.  I shared my concerns with Ash, who bent me over for inspection. He said he didn't think it would be a problem, but he used the big wooded spoon instead of the big wooden paddle anyway, so he could better control the impacted area.
This time I was crying before he even started.  There was very little warm up, but it only lasted about 2 or 3 minutes. It was an incredibly long few minutes however.  That spoon is thick and he concentrated on my thighs more than usual to save my rear from becoming worse.  After it was over and he let me up, he asked if I knew why I was punished and made me tell him out loud in detail instead of just "yes".  And he told me that it hurts his heart to have to punish me while I cry so hard. This is new, but welcome. He is a man of "fewer-than-I-would-like" words usually :-} 
In the end, I learned my lesson well, and took it to heart that he cares so much about me that he will deny me happiness in the moment to ensure my long-term happiness. 

Rough Patch

Let me explain: not a rough patch in my life or marriage, but on my rear! For the past week and a half or so, Ash insists that after I shower and get all lotioned-up, I come to him and and ask for a spanking. He quite enjoys pinning me down and walloping away until I cry and kick like a little girl.  He even laughs a lot sometimes while he's spanking me like that because he says I look exactly like a kid in the really old school cartoons throwing a fit while being spanked. But in my defense, it flippin' hurts. But back on topic, after many days of daily thorough spankings, I developed a bit of a rough patch on one of my sit spots.  I have been using lotion and coconut oil throughout the day and it's getting better. I was just wondering if this has happened to any of you, and if anyone knows why that happens? It is the spot that is most sore, so I'm assuming it got more smacks than other spots, but that's all I know that could be the difference. And just in case you were wondering, all of these spankings were good girl spankings, but they left me quite sore! We went for a walk about an hour after my morning spanking today and even my panties rubbing on my bottom was uncomfortable :)  I made the mistake of telling Ash and he just grinned, smacked my fanny, and said "Good".

Very Intimate Spanking

So lately, my husband has rediscovered the joys of the first paddle we ever purchased. It is a thin but heavy plastic one, and is all sting. The other day he decided to spank me after I got out of the shower. I had dried off, but I was all lotioned up, and I had also just rubbed a lot of coconut oil onto my booty cheeks.  I do this after every shower to keep things soft and decrease the chance of skin breakage, because that's just no fun. However, getting spanked on a freshly oiled bum is not so fun either!  Ash had me lay on the bed then angled himself so that it was similar to otk.  He did start out rather lightly(so he says!)but it was so stingy that I kept trying to squirm away, so he trapped me with his legs and went to town.  Apparently he thought all my thrashing about and squealing was funny, because he laughed the entire time! Near the end, he spread my cheeks and spanked the inside of them!!! This was quite a shock to me, and very stingy, but I did my best to be compliant. That made me feel so submissive, and he had never done anything like that before. It was a physical reminder that there is no part of me that he can't have, in whatever way he wants.

 I am a lucky girl :) 

Shopping and When Good Spankings go Bad

My husband took me grocery shopping today early in the morning without giving me coffee(he's not evil, we just didn't have time).  If you have read any of my previous posts, you probably know exactly how much I love mornings....which is not at all.  However, I was very appreciative that he was coming because I sometimes have trouble driving, lifting heavy groceries, keeping focused and not wandering around the store looking at anything that catches my eye......so, I was doing my best to be good and please him. I wore an outfit I know he likes and I had my list and my coupons ready for each store we went to.  I thought I was doing well as we began to navigate the first market, but I accidentally got a bit snippy when I told him which way we needed to go. He immediately stopped and made me look at him and sternly warned me about my attitude.

I knew he was right but it was kind of hard to be sorry when he didn't want to listen to my directions in the first place, which is what caused the frustration and snippy tone of voice on my part. But after a few moments of seeing that "look" in his eyes-the "you are cruisin' for a bruisin'" look-and hearing his chastising words, I came to my senses and apologized.  I was almost an angel for the rest of the trip (which lasted 2 long hours) and he was so incredibly patient with me. We came home and I put everything away, made him lunch and cuddled with him on the couch :)  I can't believe what a lucky girl I am sometimes!
I haven't really been in much trouble lately, just little things here and there which he quickly takes care of.  I have really been too busy lately to get into much mischief, but he has also been watching me pretty closely and stopping even the hint of defiance or attitude....and giving lots of praise that makes my heart{and other places!} melt.  So the only "real"{aka more than a minute/tears involved}spanking I've gotten this week was for r/a and pain management on Tuesday.  For the warm-up he brought out the first implement we ever bought, a black plastic paddle. It's thin but fairly dense-no idea what it's made of-and big enough to cover both cheeks. I had really forgotten how much it stings!  In order for a spanking to impact the pain in the rest of my body, it has to be pretty painful so he decided to use the horrible cable flogger I made him for the main event.
He had me lay over a pillow on the bed and sat next to me, and then the horror began. I was trying to claw away from him by the third stroke, but he had a hold on the back of my shirt and used it to keep me where he wanted. It was over relatively quickly, maybe 2 minutes, but I was sweaty and sobbing afterward. The pain was just so intense, and hard to wrap my head around. It took some time for me to calm down, but when I did he noticed that there were loop shaped welts all along the outer part of my left butt cheek toward my hip. It would have been no big deal, but there had been no warm up given to that part of my flesh. Thus the intense and overwhelming pain! He felt really bad, but the welts didn't start to raise until he was done, so he couldn't have known.  Guess what his response was after cuddles and kisses? "I guess I will just have to make sure I warm you up very thoroughly next time and practice my aim more often!" Yep, that's my husband.

What we go through

*update* Unfortunately, the site I was referencing here was taken down, so the links will never be operable. Sorry!

Hello to all of you wonderful people out there in blogland! Since my husband has moved his office to our home I have not been able to use the internet as much as I'd like (he needs ALL of the available bandwidth for his business activities during office hours unfortunately) and so I've had a bit of trouble keeping up with all of your blogs, and my own. So.....sorry for the delay, but here is the follow-up to my last post.

After some tough moments recently, I decided I wanted to do a little research on what has been described as the "emotional stages of spanking".  I did not find anything related to DD or adult activities other than a few articles on the physical aspects like warm-up, main spanking, then aftercare. But I did find a site that I really needed to read. I stayed up for two extra hours that night poring through it, and I had a much better understanding of myself after reading it. The article I sound most helpful is here and the main site is here.
(I realize that the "here" links above are disabled, however I am working on fixing the problem)

I know that for me, I am always a little reluctant and sometimes a little scared (only of the intensity of the pain, not my husband) before a spanking....even if it's one I asked for.  But after it's started I am usually so focused on the pain that I don't realize(or at least I have a hard time recalling afterwards) the feelings that I'm having about it, unless a spanking stops at a particular stage. For example, at some point during most spankings I've gotten, I get mad. I get mad at my husband for smacking so hard, for making me hold still....basically I am blaming my situation on him. I remember this clearly now because several times he has stopped a spanking at this stage.

 There is also a point where I begin to feel sorry for myself. This is usually when I begin to cry, and I think things like: why do I do things I know will get me in trouble; why can't he just scold me and send me to bed early; waaaahhhh...poor me.  Yes, I know it's ridiculous, but those are my honest thoughts and feelings laid bare for all to see :)

Rarely in the recent past has a spanking progressed past this point for us. Ash has told me that he feels that if he continues to spank much beyond when I start really sobbing that I might feel abused or scared of him. However, it has happened a couple of times. Both of those times, I began to feel less sorry for myself and more sorry for my behavior and that I upset him. I had a hard time stopping the tears even after the spanking was over because I really understood how much I had screwed up and was so grateful that he stepped in and helped fix everything with a paddle and some loving discipline.

I think that the reason this article was so helpful to me is because I didn't really realize that most of the times I cry, I am just feeling sorry for myself! Also, it was super helpful to have Ash read it because he dislikes it when I don't stop crying right after a spanking so it helped to explain to him that letting it all out is a good thing, rather than a bad thing(imo, anyway). I don't necessarily agree with every word in the article, nor every part of the many other articles there, but like with anything, I take away what I find helpful and leave the rest.
If anyone reading would like to comment on the feelings they have during spankings, and whether they feel certain stages or not I would be most interested to see what you all have to say!

 On a lighter note, I got some inspiration from EsMay's recent DIY implement tutorial and I made something new that Ash really likes and I really regret! It is a closed loop flogger made from 3/8" coax cable and it is very effective.

It looks like this, but it's black and has many more(and longer) loops

Growing Pains

Well, I still don't have a wi-fi adapter yet but my husband has graciously agreed to let me use his laptop to post today.  Things here have been good, some ups and downs included.  My submission has been tested a lot by life's circumstances, and I am sad to say that I didn't pass. At all.  But, I am grateful for the clarification that has brought to me. See, I'm really good at some aspects of submission, especially when things are going my way.  But I really really need to work on keeping a respectful/good attitude when I am upset by a decision Ash makes that isn't what I was hoping for, and I have been trying to argue with him and get my way sometimes too.  I am still having a hard time in the mornings, so I have been taking naps after I get the kids off to school and that helps. Thankfully Ash is so very patient with me, and talks me through it when he can(when I am in a mental place where I can accept his direction and logic)and spanks me through it when when I am not as receptive.
 The other night I was having a difficult evening. I had been told that I had a spanking coming that night with the dreaded "Motivator" paddle for some mild disobedience and disrespect from the past day or so.  I was unhappy about it because I didn't feel that the situation warranted a real punishment, especially with that horrible paddle. But after several slightly masked complaints, I went to fetch the paddle and I got into position for him.  Usually unless he is upset he spanks over my panties, but this time (and more often lately) he made me take those off too.  He only gave me about 7 swats I think, and they weren't even all that hard but I still cried a little. He talked to me afterwards as he always does, while I sat at his feet.  I think he sensed defiance in me because he asked if I was done or if I needed more. Now, I am not usually a liar, but how can I say "Yes, Sir I need to be spanked more" when my butt is on fire and he's still holding that evil implement? I promised to be good and went to the bathroom to blow my nose.When I came back to the living room, he was watching a show I didn't like, and before I could stop myself I was in full tantrum mode. Sometimes it almost feels like the ghost of a 7 year old girl suddenly posesses me when this happens. It is instant, powerful, and horrible.....and shocking! It is almost funny for a second when the look of surprise on Ash's face matches my own surprise at what I'm doing. After my little outburst, he sat me down and scolded me for a minute until I began to realize what a total dork I was being.  Then he made me bend back over the couch and spanked me harder than he ever has before with the flogger. It was brief, but left half of my butt welted and hot. I had a hard time stopping the tears after that, but we were in bed soon. I laid right up against him feeling the heat from his body intensify the stinging soreness in my rear, not caring because I wanted to be close to him. I still felt terrible about what happened, and I wondered why I could not let this go. Ash was sleeping by then so I used his phone to google "stages of spanking dd" because I remembered Willie mentioning this in a comment some time ago and I thought reading about that might help. But, I couldn not find anything that referenced emotional reactions rather than physical ones, even after modifying my search terms. What I did find, however, was exactly what I needed to hear. And unfortunately I am out of time, but I will tell you all about it in my next post :)

I want my wifi back!

Hello to all of blogland :) I am writing this post from my hubbys android phone, and apparently swype is not compatable with blogger, nor does spellcheck work at the moment so I apologize if this post is less coherent than it should be. My main computer now has no internet connection until I go buy a wifi adapter since Ash just opened is home office and moved the modem upstairs, so I apologize for the lapse in posting. I am very hopeful that this issue will soon be fixed! So, there has been plenty going on here, including sick kids, changes in schedules, and plenty of spanking. I have been having a hard time trying to fit more exercise into my schedule, but am avoiding sugar still. I also came up with a "communication supplement" for Ash and I in the form of a journal that I keep in the implement drawer. I write him short notes more often, instead of looong letters every couple of months. So far its working great! I havent been punished much recently, but I was today. You would think I would avoid confrontation in the kitchen, but I somehow forget about the thick wooden spatula thats kept right in a jar on the counter....but my mind just forgets! Ash told me ehat a wonderful wife I was, and I disagreed with him a little bit. I was told that I am NOT to devalue myself and the work I do for our family, and given a mini punishment right at the kitchen sink. I was grateful, and humbled, and a little teary. I love that he gives me what I need rather than what I think I want :)

Expectations: Follow up to "Rights and Responsibilities" Post

Thank you to all who commented or emailed regarding the rights and responsibilities of each partner in a D/s or Hoh/tih relationship. Here is what I came up with after talking to you, reading, searching my heart, and discussing it with Ash:

What he expects from me:

*To trust him completely
*To obey him and follow all rules and guidelines set forth by him
*To speak and act with respect towards him at all times
*To be available sexually in any way, at anytime, and anywhere, trusting that he will be wise in his choices
*To be modest in public, and submissive to him only
*To keep up my appearance in a way that is attractive to him
*To remain soft, open, and vulnerable to him in my heart
*To communicate honestly when there is an issue of any sort
*To understand that I am ultimately in charge of my own happiness
*To accept any discipline he chooses to give


What I expect from him:

*To care for my mental, emotional, and physical well-being
*To protect, nurture and cherish me
*To use his power over me to help mold, shape and strengthen me so that I can become the best version of myself
*To discipline with love, knowing it won't always be easy
*To never purposefully withdraw from me as punishment
*To make his needs and opinions known to me, so I may use that knowledge to influence my decisions
*To be faithful and honest
*To take control from me so that I can be free to be my true self
*To be ultimately in charge of his own happiness
*To hold himself to a high standard
*To be consistent in his treatment of me

Do any of these things resonate with you? If you had to make a list, what would be on it? We plan to use this "checklist" as a tool to check in with each other periodically and assess how each of our needs are being met. Hopefully it will be a good thing :)