Growing Pains

Well, I still don't have a wi-fi adapter yet but my husband has graciously agreed to let me use his laptop to post today.  Things here have been good, some ups and downs included.  My submission has been tested a lot by life's circumstances, and I am sad to say that I didn't pass. At all.  But, I am grateful for the clarification that has brought to me. See, I'm really good at some aspects of submission, especially when things are going my way.  But I really really need to work on keeping a respectful/good attitude when I am upset by a decision Ash makes that isn't what I was hoping for, and I have been trying to argue with him and get my way sometimes too.  I am still having a hard time in the mornings, so I have been taking naps after I get the kids off to school and that helps. Thankfully Ash is so very patient with me, and talks me through it when he can(when I am in a mental place where I can accept his direction and logic)and spanks me through it when when I am not as receptive.
 The other night I was having a difficult evening. I had been told that I had a spanking coming that night with the dreaded "Motivator" paddle for some mild disobedience and disrespect from the past day or so.  I was unhappy about it because I didn't feel that the situation warranted a real punishment, especially with that horrible paddle. But after several slightly masked complaints, I went to fetch the paddle and I got into position for him.  Usually unless he is upset he spanks over my panties, but this time (and more often lately) he made me take those off too.  He only gave me about 7 swats I think, and they weren't even all that hard but I still cried a little. He talked to me afterwards as he always does, while I sat at his feet.  I think he sensed defiance in me because he asked if I was done or if I needed more. Now, I am not usually a liar, but how can I say "Yes, Sir I need to be spanked more" when my butt is on fire and he's still holding that evil implement? I promised to be good and went to the bathroom to blow my nose.When I came back to the living room, he was watching a show I didn't like, and before I could stop myself I was in full tantrum mode. Sometimes it almost feels like the ghost of a 7 year old girl suddenly posesses me when this happens. It is instant, powerful, and horrible.....and shocking! It is almost funny for a second when the look of surprise on Ash's face matches my own surprise at what I'm doing. After my little outburst, he sat me down and scolded me for a minute until I began to realize what a total dork I was being.  Then he made me bend back over the couch and spanked me harder than he ever has before with the flogger. It was brief, but left half of my butt welted and hot. I had a hard time stopping the tears after that, but we were in bed soon. I laid right up against him feeling the heat from his body intensify the stinging soreness in my rear, not caring because I wanted to be close to him. I still felt terrible about what happened, and I wondered why I could not let this go. Ash was sleeping by then so I used his phone to google "stages of spanking dd" because I remembered Willie mentioning this in a comment some time ago and I thought reading about that might help. But, I couldn not find anything that referenced emotional reactions rather than physical ones, even after modifying my search terms. What I did find, however, was exactly what I needed to hear. And unfortunately I am out of time, but I will tell you all about it in my next post :)