Friday, March 28, 2014

What we go through

*update* Unfortunately, the site I was referencing here was taken down, so the links will never be operable. Sorry!

Hello to all of you wonderful people out there in blogland! Since my husband has moved his office to our home I have not been able to use the internet as much as I'd like (he needs ALL of the available bandwidth for his business activities during office hours unfortunately) and so I've had a bit of trouble keeping up with all of your blogs, and my own. So.....sorry for the delay, but here is the follow-up to my last post.

After some tough moments recently, I decided I wanted to do a little research on what has been described as the "emotional stages of spanking".  I did not find anything related to DD or adult activities other than a few articles on the physical aspects like warm-up, main spanking, then aftercare. But I did find a site that I really needed to read. I stayed up for two extra hours that night poring through it, and I had a much better understanding of myself after reading it. The article I sound most helpful is here and the main site is here.
(I realize that the "here" links above are disabled, however I am working on fixing the problem)

I know that for me, I am always a little reluctant and sometimes a little scared (only of the intensity of the pain, not my husband) before a spanking....even if it's one I asked for.  But after it's started I am usually so focused on the pain that I don't realize(or at least I have a hard time recalling afterwards) the feelings that I'm having about it, unless a spanking stops at a particular stage. For example, at some point during most spankings I've gotten, I get mad. I get mad at my husband for smacking so hard, for making me hold still....basically I am blaming my situation on him. I remember this clearly now because several times he has stopped a spanking at this stage.

 There is also a point where I begin to feel sorry for myself. This is usually when I begin to cry, and I think things like: why do I do things I know will get me in trouble; why can't he just scold me and send me to bed early; waaaahhhh...poor me.  Yes, I know it's ridiculous, but those are my honest thoughts and feelings laid bare for all to see :)

Rarely in the recent past has a spanking progressed past this point for us. Ash has told me that he feels that if he continues to spank much beyond when I start really sobbing that I might feel abused or scared of him. However, it has happened a couple of times. Both of those times, I began to feel less sorry for myself and more sorry for my behavior and that I upset him. I had a hard time stopping the tears even after the spanking was over because I really understood how much I had screwed up and was so grateful that he stepped in and helped fix everything with a paddle and some loving discipline.

I think that the reason this article was so helpful to me is because I didn't really realize that most of the times I cry, I am just feeling sorry for myself! Also, it was super helpful to have Ash read it because he dislikes it when I don't stop crying right after a spanking so it helped to explain to him that letting it all out is a good thing, rather than a bad thing(imo, anyway). I don't necessarily agree with every word in the article, nor every part of the many other articles there, but like with anything, I take away what I find helpful and leave the rest.
If anyone reading would like to comment on the feelings they have during spankings, and whether they feel certain stages or not I would be most interested to see what you all have to say!

 On a lighter note, I got some inspiration from EsMay's recent DIY implement tutorial and I made something new that Ash really likes and I really regret! It is a closed loop flogger made from 3/8" coax cable and it is very effective.
It looks like this, but it's black and has many more(and longer) loops

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Growing Pains

Well, I still don't have a wi-fi adapter yet but my husband has graciously agreed to let me use his laptop to post today.  Things here have been good, some ups and downs included.  My submission has been tested a lot by life's circumstances, and I am sad to say that I didn't pass. At all.  But, I am grateful for the clarification that has brought to me. See, I'm really good at some aspects of submission, especially when things are going my way.  But I really really need to work on keeping a respectful/good attitude when I am upset by a decision Ash makes that isn't what I was hoping for, and I have been trying to argue with him and get my way sometimes too.  I am still having a hard time in the mornings, so I have been taking naps after I get the kids off to school and that helps. Thankfully Ash is so very patient with me, and talks me through it when he can(when I am in a mental place where I can accept his direction and logic)and spanks me through it when when I am not as receptive.
 The other night I was having a difficult evening. I had been told that I had a spanking coming that night with the dreaded "Motivator" paddle for some mild disobedience and disrespect from the past day or so.  I was unhappy about it because I didn't feel that the situation warranted a real punishment, especially with that horrible paddle. But after several slightly masked complaints, I went to fetch the paddle and I got into position for him.  Usually unless he is upset he spanks over my panties, but this time (and more often lately) he made me take those off too.  He only gave me about 7 swats I think, and they weren't even all that hard but I still cried a little. He talked to me afterwards as he always does, while I sat at his feet.  I think he sensed defiance in me because he asked if I was done or if I needed more. Now, I am not usually a liar, but how can I say "Yes, Sir I need to be spanked more" when my butt is on fire and he's still holding that evil implement? I promised to be good and went to the bathroom to blow my nose.When I came back to the living room, he was watching a show I didn't like, and before I could stop myself I was in full tantrum mode. Sometimes it almost feels like the ghost of a 7 year old girl suddenly posesses me when this happens. It is instant, powerful, and horrible.....and shocking! It is almost funny for a second when the look of surprise on Ash's face matches my own surprise at what I'm doing. After my little outburst, he sat me down and scolded me for a minute until I began to realize what a total dork I was being.  Then he made me bend back over the couch and spanked me harder than he ever has before with the flogger. It was brief, but left half of my butt welted and hot. I had a hard time stopping the tears after that, but we were in bed soon. I laid right up against him feeling the heat from his body intensify the stinging soreness in my rear, not caring because I wanted to be close to him. I still felt terrible about what happened, and I wondered why I could not let this go. Ash was sleeping by then so I used his phone to google "stages of spanking dd" because I remembered Willie mentioning this in a comment some time ago and I thought reading about that might help. But, I couldn not find anything that referenced emotional reactions rather than physical ones, even after modifying my search terms. What I did find, however, was exactly what I needed to hear. And unfortunately I am out of time, but I will tell you all about it in my next post :)

Friday, March 14, 2014

I want my wifi back!

Hello to all of blogland :) I am writing this post from my hubbys android phone, and apparently swype is not compatable with blogger, nor does spellcheck work at the moment so I apologize if this post is less coherent than it should be. My main computer now has no internet connection until I go buy a wifi adapter since Ash just opened is home office and moved the modem upstairs, so I apologize for the lapse in posting. I am very hopeful that this issue will soon be fixed! So, there has been plenty going on here, including sick kids, changes in schedules, and plenty of spanking. I have been having a hard time trying to fit more exercise into my schedule, but am avoiding sugar still. I also came up with a "communication supplement" for Ash and I in the form of a journal that I keep in the implement drawer. I write him short notes more often, instead of looong letters every couple of months. So far its working great! I havent been punished much recently, but I was today. You would think I would avoid confrontation in the kitchen, but I somehow forget about the thick wooden spatula thats kept right in a jar on the counter....but my mind just forgets! Ash told me ehat a wonderful wife I was, and I disagreed with him a little bit. I was told that I am NOT to devalue myself and the work I do for our family, and given a mini punishment right at the kitchen sink. I was grateful, and humbled, and a little teary. I love that he gives me what I need rather than what I think I want :)

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Expectations: Follow up to "Rights and Responsibilities" Post

Thank you to all who commented or emailed regarding the rights and responsibilities of each partner in a D/s or Hoh/tih relationship. Here is what I came up with after talking to you, reading, searching my heart, and discussing it with Ash:

What he expects from me:

*To trust him completely
*To obey him and follow all rules and guidelines set forth by him
*To speak and act with respect towards him at all times
*To be available sexually in any way, at anytime, and anywhere, trusting that he will be wise in his choices
*To be modest in public, and submissive to him only
*To keep up my appearance in a way that is attractive to him
*To remain soft, open, and vulnerable to him in my heart
*To communicate honestly when there is an issue of any sort
*To understand that I am ultimately in charge of my own happiness
*To accept any discipline he chooses to give

What I expect from him:

*To care for my mental, emotional, and physical well-being
*To protect, nurture and cherish me
*To use his power over me to help mold, shape and strengthen me so that I can become the best version of myself
*To discipline with love, knowing it won't always be easy
*To never purposefully withdraw from me as punishment
*To make his needs and opinions known to me, so I may use that knowledge to influence my decisions
*To be faithful and honest
*To take control from me so that I can be free to be my true self
*To be ultimately in charge of his own happiness
*To hold himself to a high standard
*To be consistent in his treatment of me

Do any of these things resonate with you? If you had to make a list, what would be on it? We plan to use this "checklist" as a tool to check in with each other periodically and assess how each of our needs are being met. Hopefully it will be a good thing :)

Saturday, March 1, 2014

I Screwed Up!

This is me in the morning. I really, really and truly, loathe waking up early and getting out of my warm cozy bed. 

I get up before the sun M-F to prepare breakfast 3 different times and get children to where they need to be.  It's not too difficult, they are sooo worth it, and if I could change anything at all it would be the hour I get up. But, I am very much a night owl and I am just bad company in the morning. My family knows this so they don't try to strike up conversations with me till after the sunrise :)  In the last couple of months, however, Ash decided that just because I don't want to be awake doesn't mean I can be grumpy towards everyone so he is working with me on that. He's right of course, infuriatingly so.  But that doesn't make it any easier to smile and serve as soon as I get up. 
Being the wonderful man that my husband is, sometimes he lets me take naps in the morning. The other day after getting up at normal time and making breakfast for child #1(I think she shall be called SassyPants) I found out that the schools were on a 2 hour delay. So I got to go back to bed for a couple hours while Ash got up with the younger kids. I was in a deep sleep when he came to get me up saying "Honey I need you to get up right now. I started cooking but I don't know how to finish it and it's in the pan cooking....." I was disoriented and grumpy, but I got up and went to assess the damage. 
Before I tell you what I did(I can hear the gasps of shock and the tsk tsks already!) I just want you to know that I am claiming temporary insanity on this one. 
So I found that the meal hadn't been properly prepared or cooked, but I was able to save it. I started in on him right away. "Why did you start this when you clearly don't know what you are doing?" "What did I tell you about cooking this the last time you tried?" "Next time just come get me before you kill everything" These were all phrases I uttered angrily to him in the span of 2 minutes, ending with the finale: the dreaded and forbidden "W" word. "Whatever!"
All of this over him trying to be helpful and start something for me. When I used the "W" word, he got fed up and raised his voice just the teensiest bit, and ordered me to go sit down on the couch, saying I was being ridiculous and that he didn't need this right now. I knew right then what a witch-with-a-B I had been, and I was so sorry.  On top of that, I was hurt that he raised his voice to me. He doesn't yell, but I am a sensitive girl.
I knew better than to argue(finally, my first moment of sanity all day!)so I went and curled myself into a ball in the corner of the couch. I cried. He cooked. It felt like a time-out to me, and I was now in shock over my behavior. I was appalled and so ashamed. After 10 minutes or so he came to talk to me. I don't remember exactly what he said because I was still in a morning fog and also sobbing. But I remember him telling me that disrespect will not be tolerated, that I belong to him, and that he loves me. I was still so overwhelmed that I just wanted to be alone, so he let me go take a shower while he got the kids off to school. 
When I was done and dressed he was back and we talked. I was calmer and awake now, but still very shocked and horrified by my actions and feeling very guilty. He asked if I was upset with him, or scared because he "yelled" at me.
 Shock on top of shock I tell you!

 Upset with him? I explained to him that what he did was NOT yelling, and he was justified in his actions. It did hurt my feelings, but I was way out of line and I pushed him there. We made up and tried to go about our day, but as I was unloading the dishwasher he came up to me and said "You need a whoopin' don't you?"  Gosh! What does a girl say to that? I just nodded my head. He said " Ok, but you have to choose what I use. Make the right choice or this will be much worse for you."  I was soooo not expecting this! But I was pretty sure I knew what he wanted to hear, so I chose the big wood paddle he calls "The Motivator", which I Hate.  "Good choice" he said with a big grin.  So I was quite thoroughly "motivated".  But after it was over and he hugged me, all the guilt went away and we were both happy again. We went on to have a great day together :) Lovely how that works!

Btw- I do have a follow-up planned to my last post, "Rights and Responsibilities", I am just waiting on Ash to review it :)