Sunday, May 6, 2018

Feeling "Wanty"

Today I woke up feeling like I really need alone time with Daddy. Due to busy lives and teenagers in the house, this doesn't happen very often. We generally have what he calls  "a conversation" about every other evening, to help me maintain my submission and remember who we are(I don't know about anyone else, but without that I start feeling a bit......bossy), but this week's events have conspired to keep that from happening. Part of me wishes that this activity is as essential to him as it is to me, and thst he would find a way to make it more of a priority for us. His valuing my submission is a big part of my wanting to give it to him, if that makes sense. Like, the more he desires it the more submissive I want to be with him. And, I feel that the more frequent our "conversations," things just flow more smoothly for us. I am happiest when he expects(demands) my obedience, and makes sure there is no question about who's in charge, but there's always that niggling feeling(when things get busy and we don't connect in that way) that I am too much work for him, or that I should be mature enough to always be good on my own without his help, although that feeling is becoming less frequent. And although in my professional life I am a leader, teacher, and advisor, I just need for my Daddy to take the reins at home. He does this well, but I think my need for his dominance is increasing lately. I know he will find ways to meet my needs(and I his), but I fear I am the kind of girl that thinks she wants that "storybook dom," you know the kind: He punishes without mercy, is ALWAYS consistent, knows how far past her limits to push, has the will of steel it takes to resist her pouting and doe eyes.......he's not human 😁 In all reality, the man I have is perfect for me, and as we grow together and explore and discover new things, we will adjust accordingly. I  think this morning what I'm experiencing is growing pains, and I also think it's natural. As he and I grow and evolve, our needs evolve as well.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Butterflies

I still get butterflies in my stomach and tingles..... elsewhere..... when he gives me that look, or takes of his belt after a day at work,  or says,  "young lady." Daddy is pretty lenient with me, and his rules are generally easy to follow,  so I don't get in trouble very often. Even when I do, my punishments are pretty bearable. What can I say,  he loves me soooo much! But sometimes,  I wonder what it would be like if he were stricter, or maybe not necessarily that word, but he puts up with a lot of pouting and little things from me,  and although I sometimes get attitude re - sets if I ask for them,  sometimes I fantasize about being taken upstairs when I'm being crabby and taken to task right then and there.  Part of me craves the security of that instant,  "no way, not now,  not ever, " without having done anything very serious.  To make a long story short:  I crave his discipline,  but I don't want to do anything on purpose to provoke him, because I love him and hate actually disappointing him.  I've kind of tried,  but I don't know how to ask for what I want.  He makes me happy in so very many ways, every day,  that I feel a little guilty asking for more! I know I am not alone in the craving for discipline,  but sometimes it sure feels like it,  when I can't talk to anyone about this in person. Maybe what I really mean to say,  is that I want to be held to a higher standard,  and his enforcing that standard means he knows I am capable of more.....

Friday, October 6, 2017

A little of this, a little of that

My Daddy is pretty attentive. That said, I am a girl. I don't always say exactly what I mean and sometimes I am good at hiding what I don't want him to know(at the time). Oh, he can tell when I'm out of sorts,  or upset.  But when life gets too be too much, and my adult leadership/big girl responsibilities are too much for the moment and all I want is time with my Daddy? I try to hide that.  I'm afraid he will be put off by my neediness. I'm afraid to ask for his dominance.  I find it difficult sometimes to have to switch fromalpha at work to sub at home. And, I'm afraid/hopeful he will want to remedy my feelings with a spanking. What is it that makes me love and crave the sadist in him? Sometimes in my fantasies, he will give me pain,  and tell me to take it, simply because he wants me to have it,  and I LIKE THAT!?! Yes I do. As much as I need my caring Daddy who is sensitive to my feelings and needs,  I also crave the stern, can't change his mind,  disciplinarian who will make me take  everything I deserve,  plus a little bit more. Am I high maintenance? Some would say so.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Independence day

Well, apparently I have been too independent this past week. I think I am in for a discussion on how I don't need to "do it myself" all the time. Of course, words are not always involved in these talks except the usual, like OW!

Sunday, June 25, 2017

I am so in love with my daddy. He has been very attentive and sweet to me, especially the last several months. He is very accepting of my need for physical attention, whether it's hugs, cuddles, smacks, or kisses. There are times when I just want to be with him so much, and he never says it's too much for him. Of course, relationships, like everything in life, evolve....and my relationship with my husband is no exception. In the very beginning of our relationship we both struggled to see who would be alpha. I desperately wanted him to be, but I wasn't just going to hand it to him. We officially started DD about 5 years into our marriage, and it was pretty rocky at first due to my inability to communicate my feelings well, and the societal conditioning that my husband grew up with. There were times it was great, there was a time we gave it up, and a major crisis in our lives made us realize that we needed it back badly. We have both matured a lot and learned in the decade, and become more accepting of ourselves and each other. We still do DD, with lots of D/s incorporated.  Over the last 3 years or so, I have begun to think of him as Daddy. He takes care of me in many ways, and I really enjoy that I can be the silly playful girl that I am and not censor myself in any way around him. I really enjoy being his babygirl and knowing he is in charge and he's got me. There's more I want to say, but it can wait for another post 😊

Monday, May 29, 2017

Needy

I am finally in a place where I am mostly just accepting of my need for discipline. Sometimes it's frustrating, and sometimes, just briefly, I wish I didn't need it. But then I remember how strong and intimate my marriage is, and how much I continue to grow. It's not always easy to humble myself and accept it with grace and gratitude,  but I'm working on that. I don't enjoy the actual discipline, of course, because ouch! But the after-effects are great! What I am struggling with the most right now is asking for spankings when I need them, before corrective measures are necessary, and keeping my tone respectful at all times. My husband is great at pointing out when I'm not, but sometimes waits to correct me for too long, or lets me get away with it for fear of being too harsh and breaking my spirit(my words, not his-but I think he would agree). I wish he would be a bit more consistent with that, although we have both grown by leaps and bounds in this area in the last year. I have talked with him about it before, and it gets better for a while, but then life happens and we get busy, and sometimes I get the "he obviously doesn't care so why should I?" attitude, even though in my heart I know that's not true. We always sort it out, but I hope that someday we will be able to avoid that place. It helps that I go to him, more often than not, when I am feeling needy. I just wish he was psychic, and could tell what I need, and how much I need, without me having to say anything!

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Lucky Girl

Some days I realize just how blessed I am to have a husband who takes such good care of me. Some days I appreciate the ways he helps me make the best decisions and guides me to do what's best for me. But some days, I just want what I want and I don't want to answer to anybody. My inner brat kicks in and I throw a fit, or I feel a shift in me where I am taking control back, even if just emotionally.  But, one thing I've been working really hard on is communicating my feelings to my husband, in the moment as they're happening. In the past, I've distanced myself or just pretended I was fine, and only later admitted what was troubling me. But I've found there's far less drama and crying for me when I simply deal with things as they come up. If only I could stop my inner brat in her tracks more often......I always want to blame it on my Husband and say "If you were stricter with me maybe I'd be less bratty" but then when he is more strict I complain too. There is just no pleasing me I guess. But we have talked about doing maintenance more often in the future, and I think that will help. Life is just very busy, and our kids are always around, and at ages where them hearing anything has to be out of the question. But we do have a quiet implement, even though I hate it. I guess I really miss the days where he and I used to be at home together while the kids were at school. Now he doesn't work from home anymore and I also work full time, so there is very rarely a moment when we are alone together except in the car.  Luckily he is very good at helping me stay where I need to be verbally, but every once in a while, I think I need a "master reset", you know? On a happy note, we are making progress with our Christmas shopping and having a great time with our kiddos :)
Christmas is coming and I can't wait!