I have also been confused as to his expectations of me in certain ways. For example, he always tells me that he wants me to be myself, that he likes how I tell him what I think and that I play around. But sometimes I get in trouble for those same things. Not as much lately, but today.....I was in the kitchen and we had been chatting back and forth playfully. I said something VERY mildly insulting to him, joking as we had been all morning. He didn't find it as funny as I did and gave me a very solid whack with a heavy spoon that has holes in it(while I futilely attempted to explain what I said). That was when the past month's worth of not enough attention and decreasing connection came to a head and I popped. I melted down into immediate tears and couldn't form a coherent word, so I excused myself to my room. Ash followed me, horrified. Apparently he had meant to deliver a playful swat, not leave a big purple bruise with one swat and emotionally overwhelm me. He apologized profusely and I assured him that I was "fine", and asked for time alone, which he gave me. I sobbed and did chores trying to process what I was feeling and understand why on earth I was so upset. About an hour later Ash came to check on me and patiently but persistently prodded me to talk to him. When it took me ten minutes to share with him that I was confused and hurt and felt that I was no longer his priority, and I still couldn't tell him why.....that 's when I knew that I had been building walls around my heart this whole time. I knew what I needed, but I was too upset and embarrassed to explain it. It makes me feel so inferior as a woman sometimes that I need his instructive and disciplinary influence on me to be really happy in our marriage. And emotionally, I was feeling just like I did the first time I had to explain to him that I wanted him to discipline me. So I didn't go there. And I tried so hard to calm down for him, I really did. But I remain on the verge of tears even now, hours later, and I suspect many more will be shed before I am done writing to/for him. Why is it so hard to understand my feelings? They're mine, after all. Am I just emotionally stupid? Do I not pay enough attention to life? I really don't know. I just hope I can get it all straight-both in my head and on paper tonight so that it makes sense.....to me AND to my husband. So here is my wish(on the first star tonight, since it's not my birthday):
Why does a husband taking charge, paying attention and spanking his wife soundly produce such a magical effect? I really wish there was some other way.