Tuesday, July 8, 2014

I popped

Well, despite the great advice given to me and a little effort on my part, I still have not been properly spanked since the first week of June. There were a few mini-punishments, lots of smacks here and there, including a very public handful of hard smacks at the grocery store, and many more in the kitchen where we have 2 drawers plus a canister full of potential implements stashed away. I actually have been really well behaved, aside from a few little things. I have spoken to him with a less than pleasant tone at times, stuck my tongue out once or twice, forgotten a chore once.  Those were all dealt with quickly and were over, no big deal.  So in my husband's mind (I am pretty much guessing here, aside from a few times of him telling me what a good girl I have been) there is no real reason to spank. We have discussed the lack of span I still call him Sir, I serve him and I obey him gladly most of the time. We sit together each night and I get to snuggle under his arm, he still makes me go to bed each night when he says I am tired enough, whether I want to or not(darn him for reading me so well in that department!) and kisses me goodnight. I am submissive to him.  But.........over the last month my attitude and outlook have changed a little bit. Where  before I was eager to serve him every time, now sometimes it's a chore. Where I used to obey with a genuine smile, now I sometimes fake one. I don't feel as close and connected to him, and I am guilty of a gradual "un-softening" of my heart. Something's been missing and I have been clueless as to how to put it into words, but here is a picture. (By the way, I do know that what I have with him is more than some people could dream of and that I am spoiled. But please don't take offense, I am just trying to process.)





I have also been confused as to his expectations of me in certain ways. For example, he always tells me that he wants me to be myself, that he likes how I tell him what I think and that I play around. But sometimes I get in trouble for those same things. Not as much lately, but today.....I was in the kitchen and we had been chatting back and forth playfully. I said something VERY mildly insulting to him, joking as we had been all morning. He didn't find it as funny as I did and gave me a very solid whack with a heavy spoon that has holes in it(while I futilely attempted to explain what I said).  That was when the past month's worth of not enough attention and decreasing connection came to a head and I popped. I melted down into immediate tears and couldn't form a coherent word, so I excused myself to my room. Ash followed me, horrified. Apparently he had meant to deliver a playful swat, not leave a big purple bruise with one swat and emotionally overwhelm me. He apologized profusely and I assured him that I was "fine", and asked for time alone, which he gave me. I sobbed and did chores trying to process what I was feeling and understand why on earth I was so upset. About an hour later Ash came to check on me and patiently but persistently prodded me to talk to him. When it took me ten minutes to share with him that I was confused and hurt and felt that I was no longer his priority, and I still couldn't tell him why.....that 's when I knew that I had been building walls around my heart this whole time. I knew what I needed, but I was too upset and embarrassed to explain it. It makes me feel so inferior as a woman sometimes that I need his instructive and disciplinary influence on me to be really happy in our marriage.  And emotionally, I was feeling just like I did the first time I had to explain to him that I wanted him to discipline me. So I didn't go there. And I tried so hard to calm down for him, I really did. But I remain on the verge of tears even now, hours later, and I suspect many more will be shed before I am done writing to/for him.  Why is it so hard to understand my feelings? They're mine, after all. Am I just emotionally stupid? Do I not pay enough attention to life? I really don't know. I just hope I can get it all straight-both in my head and on paper tonight so that it makes sense.....to me AND to my husband.  So here is my wish(on the first star tonight, since it's not my birthday):


Why does a husband taking charge, paying attention and spanking his wife soundly produce such a magical effect? I really wish there was some other way.












8 comments:

  1. River, this really sounds like a struggle. You did your best and pleased Ash, but what you needed for the deeper connection was not given to you. I am sorry to say that, but I think without the occasional mini punishments you would maybe have had this un-softening even faster. I get this completely, because this is a major problem here too at times, especially when hubby had no time to look closer and when I in return do not notice what’s (not) going on between us. The end often enough can be some kind of melt down. In your situation, this all made you pop (short word for so much going on!) and this extremely frustrating mix of hidden sorrow, frustration and disappointment needed this outlet. I am glad that you had this moment where it all came out, and I am also sorry for Ash, because I can imagine that he had not expected this reaction from one swat. He has not seen that you had been building walls, just like it has taken time for you to recognize what was going on inside.

    River, I want so much to hug you right now to give you comfort, and I send all positive energy to you. … But I want to object, too! You are good and right the way you are. Please, don’t believe ever that you are inferior in any way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    This is a most horrible thought to think and just plain wrong. I think, on the contrary, that you know so well what you need deep inside and that you can give your needs a real name, is a strength. Many do not even know what they need, but you do. This is great. It is discipline? So be it. Embrace it. There is nothing wrong with that at all, and I hope and am absolutely sure that Ash would agree and loves you more for being open. This is being vulnerable, and yes, sometimes we don’t want to show that, but who deserves to see us vulnerable, if not our partner. Especially one like Ash, who I believe has shown often that he cares so much and loves you.
    You are NOT emotionally stupid at all, and I am fully with you, that you want to cry, especially in such a bad situation. This is what you need, and you should just cry, let your tears out. We can do that together now, and you have all my sympathy for such a hard moment. If Ash does not understand, or forgets, please tell him again. …. And again. I am so absolutely sure that he would love to help you in any way. There is nothing wrong with being emotional, it is maybe frustrating at times, but I see it as a huge gift, because it can give so much joy, too, not only the negative bits. I want so much to help you, too, but don’t really know how.
    Finally, a non-objection line. I like the picture, because currently I understand the wish more than ever before and wish for a little of it too, but being emotional should not be seen as a burden, because it is probably one of the biggest gifts that we have.
    River, I really hope that you find a good way out of this and I fully understand this being down, but you are perfect the way you are! No reason for a change; tell Ash, talk!

    big hugs and lots of love

    Nina

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  2. Hi Nina,
    Thank you for your kind words. I grew up in a home where my mom was the only authority, and she was a very masculine woman in the sense that she was tough and didn't take crap from anyone, and always said anything a man could do she could do better. My dad just stayed out of her way when possible, and I grew to think that was normal. It wasn't until my twenties that I began to question that view of marriage, so sometimes I think my brain gives me mixed signals there and tells me that I shouldn't need him this way. I know it's silly, I'm working on it :-) I agree that being an emotional creature it's a blessing, albeit a mixed one. It is the way women are, how we experience the world. But it sucks at the beginning of the month when EVERYTHING can make me cry, even commercials or watching my kids play. I was able to write most everything down last night. It took for pages and an hour but I got it done. Ash isn't awake yet, but you are right, I know his reaction will be positive. Sorry to be such a drama queen! Hopefully pms will be over soon and I will laugh at myself for all this :-)

    Ack! My phone added extra words below and won't delete them!
    it s one

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  3. I think that we all have moments of emotional stupidity. I myself, seem to be quite prone to them. I'll wish on that cake with you.

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    1. At least I'm not alone in my stupidity :-)

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  4. Hugs I hope things get better between you and Ash.

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    1. Thank you AB, we spent some time alone today talking and things are getting better :-)

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  5. How did I miss this post? Okay well if you are emotionally stupid than so are most of the women here. INCLUDING me. Heck you have read my blog!

    I grew up in a house just like the one you talked to Nina about. Although now looking at it through my Dd eyes I think maybe my Dad had more say- in things he thought important. HOWEVER that doesn't change how I perceived life.
    I also grew up in a house where ' walk it off' was directed at emotions too. " Oh you're okay..." I cried at everything as a young adult. Not a cry baby, but many of the things you mentioned. Things that tugged at my heartstrings. Even music in church. I learned to suppress those tears and to this day if we are 'coasting' in Dd *which in our house, sounds like what has happened in yours, those old habits rear their 'ugly' head.

    I wished to God they didn't, but for some reason my childhood wiring of I can do this myself, walk it off, you will be okay...come to the forefront as a protective mechanism. AND then eventually I blow.

    The good news for you is that you DID blow. Last week after many failed r/a and mini spankings I verbally blew, but not emotionally. I was calm and cold. I got my message across and things seemed lighter within me, but still not right. I have told my husband that too.

    Sometimes I suppose things take a while to slide backward, so they take a while to move forward. Try to think of it as thawing. That helps me a bit.

    love willie

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    1. Hi Willie,
      Isn't it crazy how our upbringing tends to affect us no matter how far we've come logically? It's one thing to know that no woman is actually superwoman, or that it's okay to express your emotions. But unfortunately that knowledge doesn't enable us to always pull ourselves out of negative thinking. Thawing is a great way to describe what's going on now. After my entire day of freaking out, Ash and I were able to communicate much better and he finally understood the effect that our lack of usual DD routine was having on me. As far as emotional stupidity, I just find it ridiculous that I have to work so hard to identify my feelings and figure out what's causing them. Do other women really go through that? It's just so absurd. Thanks for stopping by, it's good to talk to you :-)

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