Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Processing Events

Today has been a truly odd day. In fact this week has just been weird. Sunday night I got some bad news, and was in a very emotional, strange head space until Monday night. I talked to my Grandmother and she prayed with me, and just basically soothed my soul. And then there was today. My family is back to normal, as my sister's children have gone back home to live with their parents. Today Ash and I had the house to ourselves for the first time in over a month! Of course he had definite ideas on what we would be doing. I haven't been napping nearly often enough lately, so now that I can, he insisted that I take a nap. Normally I don't need much persuading, but I really wasn't that tired this morning. He tucked me in anyway. I tried to sleep, I really did. I dozed in and out and had just really fallen asleep when he came to wake me up. But even though I was now tired, I was more exited to spend the day with him so I got up and made lunch, then went to take a shower. He came upstairs when I got out and ordered me over the pillows for a long-awaited "real" spanking(instead of 10 quick hard paddle smacks that had been serving as a spanking during The Time of Many Children).
  I reminded him that it had been a while since we had done this and my bottom would greatly appreciate gentler treatment in the beginning. I told him this about 5 times from Monday night until that moment. He said he would start lighter, and began to smack away. Well, they weren't full force smacks, but they sure stung like crazy. I told him it hurt too much, but he remarked that he wasn't even smacking that hard yet. So after ten or fifteen of his "lighter" smacks, he went to town, hard and fast. I was sobbing instantly, and trying(but failing) to catch my breath. Part of the problem on my end was that my face was too close to one of the pillows, keeping me from breathing properly. He spanked me like that for about 2 minutes I think, but it felt like forever. He ended with his usual extra hard smacks, and then stopped.
After about 30 seconds, he asked me why I was crying, as he always does after I get spanked. I couldn't find any words, just tears. I cried for another couple of minutes before I could calm down enough to talk to him. 
He asked why I was so upset, what was wrong? He really had no clue. I told him that my feelings were hurt because he didn't pay attention to my request, and instead overwhelmed me with pain.  I told him that I realize it's not up to me how I am spanked(which he likes to remind me of), but that I was upset that he didn't realize how panicked I was, and I just really was hurt that he didn't take the time to do a warm up after so long of no real spanking. I am never given a warm up before a punishment, but he has slowly come around to giving them for most other spankings. This time I was not in trouble, it was just to reconnect.
By this time there was not too much sting left in my bottom, and I was just so sad and a little mad. I asked him if we could just start over, and please be more gentle in the beginning this time.
 He of course had apologized a bunch by now for making me feel that way, and he said he didn't realize I was panicked and unable to breathe because I kept my face in the pillow. He even asked if I wanted to give him swats so I would feel better. I chose not to. Then he agreed to start over.
This time was a lot easier to take of course, because of the previous spanking. He actually used his hand, which he has never done before aside from smacks here and there during the day. Then he progressed to using the black paddle again, with a much more gradual build up this time, then finishing in the usual way. I was crying again, and it took most of the afternoon to be able to stop. Even now as I write this I am tearing up and I can't sort out why I am still so upset. We both failed to communicate well here, and he didn't even leave a single mark, so it's not like he was too hard on me. It must just be life again.
A couple hours later we watched a horrible foreign film called "Martyrs", which I do not recommend(unless seriously maiming people is your thing). We did watch the whole thing, as it was like a train wreck and we just had to see what carnage was down the line. But as soon as it was over we deleted it! Then we went upstairs for some cuddle time, which in our house really means he pins me down and tickles me. That was fun :)
But now I am alone for the first time in a very long time. Ash is at his 2nd job and the kids are sleeping. I think I'm going to watch a Disney movie and go to bed early to rest up, as Ash has promised to work on his warm up skills and "help" me work on my communication skills all day tomorrow!

14 comments:

  1. Sometimes things just happen and hope you are feeling better.

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    1. Thanks AB,
      I am feeling better this morning :-)

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  2. Hey River...So sorry it's been a strange and unsettling time for you. Hope Ash watches a bit more closely...you two might consider using a safe word that you could use if you were not in a good head space...he would stop to see what's going on and could then continue after a discussion. This might save you both a lot of hurt and frustration.

    I have to wonder if part of your emotional reaction had to do with whatever bad news you received...maybe it wasn't quite as resolved in your mind as what you thought.

    Sending lots of prayers and positive energy your way.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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    1. Hi Cat,
      We don't have a safeword, as I am expected to tell him right away if something's wrong, as I usually do. I'm not sure I would have used a safeword here though, or even been able to with my face stuffed in a pillow :-(
      And your right, that things aren't as resolved as I want them to be, as it's an ongoing situation. Thank you got your prayers and kind words!

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  3. So sorry to hear that you went through this.
    It happened a couple of times with us as well....

    I guess its a part of the TTWD. We learn and evolve from this....

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    1. Yes, exactly subkitty! We are learning everyday, and it's not always "peaches and cream" in ttwd :-)

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  4. Well if I could just take a 'stab' in the dark, I would suggest that your tears appeared for a release. When we are living in a fishbowl ( and I suppose I should clarify and say me) 'we' don't realize that we stuff a lot of our stresses down. Recently ( and i was eventually going to get around to posting about this) I had tests done and apparently I was shaking. The tech, asked me if I was nervous. "NO" She looked at Barney and said, " Is she always like this? " And he said yes, and then they began to discuss me- WHILE I was in the room. BUT since that day, I have noticed that my injury hurts more when I think I am NOT stressed, but I am in a stressful situation. My body still is stressed even if I closed my mind off to it.

    Alllllllllllllll of this to say to you, maybe that is what happened with you. You had a lot going on this past while. Maybe you were stuffing things down and not realizing it? Piling things up emotionally- and the panic was due in part to the breathing, but maybe also because you were 'coming down' and that release in itself was alarming?
    ANYWAY...maybe none of this makes sense to you as I am only relating my own experiences, but that is most likely what my 'deal' would have been :)

    Hope you are back to your old self ...and such great work on talking to Ash and wonderful work on his part for HEARING you! He's a keeper alright!
    willie

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    1. Hi Willie,
      It's funny, because what you wrote makes me want to facepalm myself and say Duh! If I were to read this about someone else I would have said the same as you, but for some reason it never crossed my mind until I read your comment, that I had a months worth of stress to release. I truly didn't realize that I had been "stuffing", because when there are kids around you just put your feelings aside and do what needs to be done. Now that my time is my own again my heart and mind are going too get some more attention :-)
      And you are definitely right about our bodies getting stressed whether we think it's stress or not. Ash has been asking me for a week now why my hands are so shaky, and I never gave it a second thought! It does suck when people discuss you when you are in the room :-( I hope your tests came back with a good result and you are feeling well! Thank you, once again, for seeing what I don't.
      Love,
      River

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  5. River, I feel for you and I am so sorry for this hard time you go through at the moment.
    After weeks with many children in and barely a moment for yourself, everything must have changed. And I am sorry to say this, but getting this spanking, after going a longer time without the real deal, must have sucked. I do believe that Ash surely meant no harm, but I also have this impression that he did not listen, or look closely when he better should have. And please, don’t get that wrong, maybe I just misunderstood you. From the way you describe it, it sounds as if Ash sort of underestimated how much more delicate you actually were, physically and I’d say emotionally, too (for sure).
    River, actually I had to laugh when I read that Ash offered to make amends by being spanked, out of all ways possible, but I think it also shows how sincerely he wanted to settle this. And your version of ‘when you fall down, get back into the saddle and go on’ really left me dumbstruck, but after thinking about it, trying again definitely made sense. I can only imagine just how much strain had built up inside you over the past weeks, and I believe that you needed this release so much. So, in a way, it sounds pretty much like far more than just reconnection gone wrong (at first try) and when so much has built up from prior weeks, the weekend, up to sudden silence in the house, maybe there just was no other way for you. You had to let it out this way. As you know, we also believe in communication, but what to do, if you never get the chance to realize in time, what’s going on? I think I have been there, and feel like it could happen again any time. But what you did and do is lovely, you do talk. You have this awareness and can sort things out when they go the wrong way, and Ash as well as you, want to change situations into something positive. I love that. I hope you are feeling much better again soon, sending positive energy and

    many hugs

    Nina

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    1. Hi Nina,
      You didn't misunderstand at all, actually. In fact you summed it up perfectly. Ash didn't pay as close attention as he should have, and I didn't communicate (or realize) my fragile mental/emotional state. It truly did suck! But I asked for a do-over because leaving it that way just felt wrong, and because I didn't feel that emotional release yet. It just felt incomplete. I didn't realize it at the time, but it really was more than just a spanking gone wrong. I am just so clueless about myself sometimes. But, on the bright side, this has been a learning opportunity for us both. I hate cheesy sayings, but it's really true: no pain no gain!
      Growing together as a couple hurts sometimes but it's worth it :-)
      Love,
      River

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  6. It's easy for others to look at the big picture but not so easy when you are in the middle of it. I understand the spanking part. We have been there. And I would guess that the crying part was just from emotion overload. Maybe the quiet time and writing this post will help, it gives you time to settle your mind and have some peace. It is like you are writing about me and something that has happened recently. Hugs to you

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    1. Hi Blondie,
      I am doing much better today. In truth it was major emotion overload, I just didn't realize it at the time. Thanks to the great comments from all you ladies in blogland, I figured it out!

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  7. Hi Brooke,
    I am doing fine, thank you :) After talking, practicing, laughing, and living....things are good.

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