Oh, the expressing of personal, private and confusing feelings to a rational-thinking man! Last night it was announced that I would be spanked today. Not for anything in particular, but just because it has been a while. Before Thanksgiving I was getting spanked (usually to tears) at least every other day for reasons various and sundry. However, after the very long holiday breaks with our kids at home, like 31 extra days off between November and January, we totally fell out of the habit of spanking. I still always get swats, sometimes really hard ones, throughout the day just because he likes to smack my butt :) But even though I am pretty well-behaved, I do feel that I personally and our relationship generally both really benefit from my husband tanning my hide occasionally.
I was trying to explain this to my husband this morning after he had spanked me moderately for just a few minutes.....then said we were done. Just enough to make me wiggle and get mad at him. I didn't mean to,
but apparently he felt me getting distant shortly after and asked me what was wrong. I said, "I don't want to tell you because it could cause me pain!" He made me tell him anyway. And he didn't let me hide my face under the blanket! Meanie. After about 4 minutes of stops, starts, blushing, stammering, and trying soooo hard to make the emotions in my heart coupled with the confusion in my brain form coherent sentences, I finally got my point across. It was, simply, that I felt disconnected and not quite as special when he doesn't regularly discipline me and that his version of "keeping me on my toes" as to when I would/wouldn't be spanked makes me feel insecure and makes me want to push his buttons just to see if he'd react.
As usual, he was flabbergasted that I couldn't just say it outright all at once without the "drama". And so was I! He decided at that point that further discussion wasn't necessary and told me to get in position over the couch. He proceeded to strap and flog me well beyond tears, as I was crying almost as soon as we started just from the tension and embarrassment of our conversation. It took me a little while to calm down afterwards, but once I did he noticed a difference in me immediately. "Wow, you look like you feel a lot better!" he said to me, smiling because he knew he was the reason. I did feel so much better. I just wish it was a logical reaction so I didn't feel so weird about it! You would think that after years of talking with him about this kind of thing I would no longer be embarrassed to say "I hate it when you spank me but please do it anyway and make it count because it is good for me/us!" Does anyone else still feel this way? Do you accidentally create "drama" when you have to talk to your man about what your needs are?