I popped

Well, despite the great advice given to me and a little effort on my part, I still have not been properly spanked since the first week of June. There were a few mini-punishments, lots of smacks here and there, including a very public handful of hard smacks at the grocery store, and many more in the kitchen where we have 2 drawers plus a canister full of potential implements stashed away. I actually have been really well behaved, aside from a few little things. I have spoken to him with a less than pleasant tone at times, stuck my tongue out once or twice, forgotten a chore once.  Those were all dealt with quickly and were over, no big deal.  So in my husband's mind (I am pretty much guessing here, aside from a few times of him telling me what a good girl I have been) there is no real reason to spank. We have discussed the lack of span I still call him Sir, I serve him and I obey him gladly most of the time. We sit together each night and I get to snuggle under his arm, he still makes me go to bed each night when he says I am tired enough, whether I want to or not(darn him for reading me so well in that department!) and kisses me goodnight. I am submissive to him.  But.........over the last month my attitude and outlook have changed a little bit. Where  before I was eager to serve him every time, now sometimes it's a chore. Where I used to obey with a genuine smile, now I sometimes fake one. I don't feel as close and connected to him, and I am guilty of a gradual "un-softening" of my heart. Something's been missing and I have been clueless as to how to put it into words, but here is a picture. (By the way, I do know that what I have with him is more than some people could dream of and that I am spoiled. But please don't take offense, I am just trying to process.)

I have also been confused as to his expectations of me in certain ways. For example, he always tells me that he wants me to be myself, that he likes how I tell him what I think and that I play around. But sometimes I get in trouble for those same things. Not as much lately, but today.....I was in the kitchen and we had been chatting back and forth playfully. I said something VERY mildly insulting to him, joking as we had been all morning. He didn't find it as funny as I did and gave me a very solid whack with a heavy spoon that has holes in it(while I futilely attempted to explain what I said).  That was when the past month's worth of not enough attention and decreasing connection came to a head and I popped. I melted down into immediate tears and couldn't form a coherent word, so I excused myself to my room. Ash followed me, horrified. Apparently he had meant to deliver a playful swat, not leave a big purple bruise with one swat and emotionally overwhelm me. He apologized profusely and I assured him that I was "fine", and asked for time alone, which he gave me. I sobbed and did chores trying to process what I was feeling and understand why on earth I was so upset. About an hour later Ash came to check on me and patiently but persistently prodded me to talk to him. When it took me ten minutes to share with him that I was confused and hurt and felt that I was no longer his priority, and I still couldn't tell him why.....that 's when I knew that I had been building walls around my heart this whole time. I knew what I needed, but I was too upset and embarrassed to explain it. It makes me feel so inferior as a woman sometimes that I need his instructive and disciplinary influence on me to be really happy in our marriage.  And emotionally, I was feeling just like I did the first time I had to explain to him that I wanted him to discipline me. So I didn't go there. And I tried so hard to calm down for him, I really did. But I remain on the verge of tears even now, hours later, and I suspect many more will be shed before I am done writing to/for him.  Why is it so hard to understand my feelings? They're mine, after all. Am I just emotionally stupid? Do I not pay enough attention to life? I really don't know. I just hope I can get it all straight-both in my head and on paper tonight so that it makes sense.....to me AND to my husband.  So here is my wish(on the first star tonight, since it's not my birthday):

Why does a husband taking charge, paying attention and spanking his wife soundly produce such a magical effect? I really wish there was some other way.

What has gotten in to me?

Summer is here, hooray! Time for shorts and sunbathing and bbq and margaritas on the porch. Also, time for the kids to be home ALL DAY LONG. Which, honestly, I mostly love. I enjoy hanging out with them, teaching them new things and talking about random and not-so-random things. They are a fun little group. But alas, I was spoiled during the school year and had my Husband to myself for a few hours every day, without my kiddos. So now that they are home practically 24/7, there is no real alone time for my Husband and I except after 10:30, by which time we are both pretty tired.

I can't believe I didn't realize just how easy I had it! We had plenty of time for sex, spanking, cuddle time, everything. But now we are doing our best to squeeze it in. I only get to have him 4 nights a week, as his second job takes him away the other three nights :(  So there are lots of quick half-spankings, groping in the hallways, sternly whispered lectures, and other overt signs that DD/D/s/ttwd is alive and well. And it is, really. I just suddenly find myself really wanting to challenge him!

It is so frustrating, because I know I shouldn't stick my tongue out at him, but I just get an overwhelming urge to do it, so sometimes I do. I know it's not in my best interest to refuse to answer the way he expects when he's HOLDING the paddle. But do I care? Apparently not. I am so frustrated with myself that I just don't know what to do. Why am I suddenly having such bratty impulses? Most of the time I am the mild-mannered good girl who serves her man respectfully. But sometimes, like daily, that girl goes away and the brat comes out.

Unfortunately, I think I know what will make The Brat go away(yes, I am giving that side of me a name now :) ) and that is an extra long, extra hard punishment that will leave me with no doubt as to who I am and how I am expected to behave. But.....I don't see how that is going to happen anytime soon. I would suggest alternative punishments to Ash, but he finds most of them "too childish for an adult"(his words).

Am I just being a big baby? Do I just need to suck it up and tell myself that if it sounds fun to do while Ash is around that I probably shouldn't do it? I don't know. Like I said, it only happens once or twice a day lately(although that is a lot, right?)that I have an irresistible urge to do something naughty. If anybody has any ideas, I'd love to hear them. If I am being a big spoiled weenie you should tell me that too. It's hard, sometimes to tell if you are just being self-indulgent or what.

I hope all of you out there is blogland are having a good week, and thanks for listening to me whine!

Processing Events

Today has been a truly odd day. In fact this week has just been weird. Sunday night I got some bad news, and was in a very emotional, strange head space until Monday night. I talked to my Grandmother and she prayed with me, and just basically soothed my soul. And then there was today. My family is back to normal, as my sister's children have gone back home to live with their parents. Today Ash and I had the house to ourselves for the first time in over a month! Of course he had definite ideas on what we would be doing. I haven't been napping nearly often enough lately, so now that I can, he insisted that I take a nap. Normally I don't need much persuading, but I really wasn't that tired this morning. He tucked me in anyway. I tried to sleep, I really did. I dozed in and out and had just really fallen asleep when he came to wake me up. But even though I was now tired, I was more exited to spend the day with him so I got up and made lunch, then went to take a shower. He came upstairs when I got out and ordered me over the pillows for a long-awaited "real" spanking(instead of 10 quick hard paddle smacks that had been serving as a spanking during The Time of Many Children).
  I reminded him that it had been a while since we had done this and my bottom would greatly appreciate gentler treatment in the beginning. I told him this about 5 times from Monday night until that moment. He said he would start lighter, and began to smack away. Well, they weren't full force smacks, but they sure stung like crazy. I told him it hurt too much, but he remarked that he wasn't even smacking that hard yet. So after ten or fifteen of his "lighter" smacks, he went to town, hard and fast. I was sobbing instantly, and trying(but failing) to catch my breath. Part of the problem on my end was that my face was too close to one of the pillows, keeping me from breathing properly. He spanked me like that for about 2 minutes I think, but it felt like forever. He ended with his usual extra hard smacks, and then stopped.
After about 30 seconds, he asked me why I was crying, as he always does after I get spanked. I couldn't find any words, just tears. I cried for another couple of minutes before I could calm down enough to talk to him. 
He asked why I was so upset, what was wrong? He really had no clue. I told him that my feelings were hurt because he didn't pay attention to my request, and instead overwhelmed me with pain.  I told him that I realize it's not up to me how I am spanked(which he likes to remind me of), but that I was upset that he didn't realize how panicked I was, and I just really was hurt that he didn't take the time to do a warm up after so long of no real spanking. I am never given a warm up before a punishment, but he has slowly come around to giving them for most other spankings. This time I was not in trouble, it was just to reconnect.
By this time there was not too much sting left in my bottom, and I was just so sad and a little mad. I asked him if we could just start over, and please be more gentle in the beginning this time.
 He of course had apologized a bunch by now for making me feel that way, and he said he didn't realize I was panicked and unable to breathe because I kept my face in the pillow. He even asked if I wanted to give him swats so I would feel better. I chose not to. Then he agreed to start over.
This time was a lot easier to take of course, because of the previous spanking. He actually used his hand, which he has never done before aside from smacks here and there during the day. Then he progressed to using the black paddle again, with a much more gradual build up this time, then finishing in the usual way. I was crying again, and it took most of the afternoon to be able to stop. Even now as I write this I am tearing up and I can't sort out why I am still so upset. We both failed to communicate well here, and he didn't even leave a single mark, so it's not like he was too hard on me. It must just be life again.
A couple hours later we watched a horrible foreign film called "Martyrs", which I do not recommend(unless seriously maiming people is your thing). We did watch the whole thing, as it was like a train wreck and we just had to see what carnage was down the line. But as soon as it was over we deleted it! Then we went upstairs for some cuddle time, which in our house really means he pins me down and tickles me. That was fun :)
But now I am alone for the first time in a very long time. Ash is at his 2nd job and the kids are sleeping. I think I'm going to watch a Disney movie and go to bed early to rest up, as Ash has promised to work on his warm up skills and "help" me work on my communication skills all day tomorrow!

Adjustments

So, how are things, you ask? Well, life is happening. Lots of kid's functions and extended-family drama. School's almost out, so there's lots of planning to do to keep those kiddos entertained and out of trouble! In my last post I told you that our D/s-DD dynamic was still going strong. That's still true. But I have learned some things about myself over the past couple weeks.
 I have learned that I need frequent reminders to submit to my husband, even when physical reminders aren't possible. Apparently I tend to get a little too independent when I only get spanked once every 9 days or so. Ash still smacks my butt frequently throughout the day, but there's a special, almost magical thing that happens when I am well-spanked. It seems to transform my attitude completely. I stop trying to figure things out on my own, I don't worry, I don't question him or try to get my way. For a few days after he holds me tightly and spanks away(as I cry and try my best to avoid the swats) I am gentle, peaceful, docile, obedient, happy.  I look to him for my answers, and ask for permission when I should.
I have learned that I get insecure when I think he may not be secure in his role. After many days of not experiencing his physical dominance much, I am not up for jokes about how he is willing to put up with a pile of laundry on the bed because he is just glad that he doesn't have to fold it. I don't react well when he tells me to get into position and I do it halfway and he lets it go. Little things can put me in a very vulnerable and sad place. So I had to write him a letter and explain, because to a normal person, joking about laundry does not make them question their role in a relationship. Of course he knew that he could command that I find a way to keep up on all the chores I usually do despite the extra demands on my time, I just needed to hear him say that he was being mindful of my needs and limits. We both learned while leniency may seem kind, it's not what I need.
Like all good things, our relationship is constantly evolving and growing. I consider my husband my partner, my love, my Dom, Hoh, Master. I have learned that I really get joy from serving him too, and things are so peaceful between us. Even when I accidentally create drama, he takes care of it and it's over before it starts. I feel so blessed to be married to such a man, that understands me so well, and continues to work at doing so.
Life is truly crazy and busy and messy. But how boring would it be otherwise? :)

Rights and Responsibilities

Hi there fellow bloggers, readers and lurkers! Due to my own recent personal growth and questioning myself, I have decided to look into whether two partners involved in ttwd have inherent rights and responsibilities that come with their roles. Now to me, ttwd encompasses all of the various labels we give ourselves. Whether it's DD, CDD, D/s, Hoh/tih, whatever you call it- if it involves power exchange that's what I am interested in.  The reason for my interest is that I think the version of ttwd in my head is invariably different than what's in my husband's head. For example, I believe he has the right to be spoken to and treated with, respect (from me) at all times. I believe that he has the responsibility to help make me aware of instances where I fail to do so and take whatever steps he deems necessary to ensure that I remember to be respectful in the future. We have never had a frank discussion about this exact topic, it's just kind of implied, so I don't really know what he thinks about that. This is just one example out of many, and I know that every person will have different ideas, even some that will conflict with how I see things. That's ok! That's a good thing! Diversity among us is essential, otherwise we would bore each other to tears :)
I would like to ask that if anyone who reads this has any personal input to give, as to what their relationship looks like in terms of the rights and responsibilities of each partner, please leave a comment with as much information as you are comfortable. I am in the process of making a worksheet of sorts that lists potential rights and responsibilities of two partners, so that I can go through and check the box for things that are important to me. I will also give my husband Ash a copy and have him mark whether an item(in his opinion) is essential, not essential, or don't care. I think it could be such a useful tool to have! But upon looking around online, all I have found are bdsm contracts that list specific activities such as breath play or figging, which is fine if I want to know what activities my husband likes.  But what I am looking for is deeper.  I have a feeling many of you will understand :)
So as I work on my list, I would love it if you guys would take a minute and talk about what this type of list would look like for you.  If you are a sub, tih, disciplined wife, etc, what do you feel you rights are? What about responsibilities to your partner and to the relationship? What about Hohs, Doms, and strict husbands? How do you feel about your rights and responsibilities towards your partner and to the relationship itself? Ladies, don't be afraid to ask your partner to chime in! Also, if I am a complete dweeb and there is a list somewhere on the internet that I totally missed, feel free to send me a link. I look forward to what each of you has to say about this :)

Lessons on Forgetting

I can't believe what a wonderful man I am married too.  It shocks and awes me sometimes to know that he understands me so well, often better than I understand myself.  This morning after I got out of the shower(I was still in my towel)my husband waited until I was in a part of our bedroom with little room to move and got out the big scary wood paddle that he calls "The Motivator" and immediately began to spank me. Not incredibly hard, but fast.  No words, just spanking. I was in tears immediately for several reasons: I had been watching a sad show that morning so my tear ducts were primed, there was no warning so I wasn't mentally prepared for a spanking, it hurt, and I wasn't sure if I had done something to upset him. It took every ounce of self-control I had to stand there and take it.
 It lasted less than a minute but I was sobbing when it was over, and he held me.  Every time I am spanked and I cry he always asks me "Why are you crying?" not because he thinks I should toughen up but as a way to check in with me and make sure I'm okay.  This time I had a hard time calming down, I think due to the suddenness of it all.  After I was intelligible again he explained that he wasn't upset with me, it was just the promised continuation of a punishment from last night.
So the backstory: Last night at bedtime I was annoyed with something he was doing, and instead of communicating with him, I just did a bunch of huffy breaths and didn't want to talk.  Well folks, that is not allowed, but I guess I forgot that last night.  We were upstairs where all the bedrooms are so he just used a plastic hanger to spank me for a minute after he lectured me(and got me to talk) because it's a really quiet implement and it stings a lot.  After we were done and I apologized we got in bed and he said "You're lucky it was so late and the motivator was so loud. How's your butt?"  I told him it was fine, just a little warm, and he said "Well then maybe I'll just use it tomorrow."  I told him I hoped he would forget, then we went to bed.
Back to the present: So after my spanking this morning, he looked at me and told me "I just wanted you to know that I won't forget you," then hugged me.  It took me a good couple of minutes or so afterward to have those feelings of thankfulness bloom inside my heart, but bloom they did, as big as a dahlia.  As much as I hated that spanking, I appreciate that he did it, and why.  I am one lucky girl :)

I have a confession to make.......

I have recently been working hard at effective communication with my husband about topics that fluster and embarrass me.  Today, it is taking the form of a "Let's pretend, and this is what I imagine" type letter to him.  I can imagine what his response will be :)


Dear Sir,

I have a confession to make:  I have been feeling a little mischievous and I’ve been very tempted to be disobedient these past few days! I don’t like feeling this way, but I don’t act on these feelings because I don’t want you to be disappointed in me. I don’t want to do anything too bad….I just want you to be angry or frustrated enough with me  that you really want to teach me a lesson not to mess with the boss.  Last night was very nice and I did enjoy my time with you, especially after you were done whipping me and let me “thank” you properly on my knees.  But….I am still feeling like being a bit wicked! So let’s pretend that I really did drop your phone in the bath…..which I took while you weren’t home!  When you asked me where your phone was and I told you what happened, would you make me take my pants off and stand in front of you in just my panties and t-shirt while you lectured me about following the rules?  Would you tell me I was a very naughty girl? Would you make me ask you nicely for my spanking before pulling me down over your lap on the bed? I would say “Please spank me hard, Sir” even though I didn’t want you to because I would know I deserved it. And even though I don’t want to be punished I would only beg a couple of times “Please don’t spank me, I’ll be good!”  But I’m sure you wouldn’t listen to me because you know that if you don’t thoroughly assert yourself when I misbehave that I will think you don’t care about me anymore.  And you really do love me, so you would make up your mind to show me just how much! I would squirm over your lap a little bit I’m sure, as I heard you open the paddle drawer to choose an implement.  I would be praying that it’s not the motivator!  Since you would be spanking me because I was bad, I just know you would spank hard right from the start! You would probably ignore my desperate pleas and tell me to hold still and take my spanking since I earned it.  Would you put your leg over mine to stop my kicking from ruining your aim? Would I try to wiggle away, only to discover that I can’t move and I am completely at your mercy?  I think I would feel helpless then and remember that you really are the boss, as you light a fire in my bottom cheeks!  Would you pull my panties down then to make sure I could feel every hard, fast smack?  I know you would keep going until my ass was bright red all over and I was crying hard, because that’s how to make sure naughty wives remember to behave.  You would probably stop then and ask me if I was going to be good.  Of course I would answer “Yes, Sir” because I don’t want to be spanked anymore!  But you wouldn’t really care about what I want right then, just about what I need.  And I bet you’d think I need a little more “convincing” to really be good and not end up in trouble again anytime soon.  So you would decide to keep going, slower but very hard, while you remind me why I’m in trouble.  I bet you’d say “Do NOT take a bath unless I am home!” and “You should have been paying attention to the phone so it wouldn’t drop!” in between smacks. Then, once you were convinced that I was one very sorry girl, you would let me up and hold me.  You would tell me that it’s ok now and that I am your good girl again.  And I would know that you speak the truth: the punishment you selflessly administered has magically transformed me into an angel, and I know I wouldn’t feel the urge to be a brat for quite a while! 

Communication.....It's hard!

Oh, the expressing of personal, private and confusing feelings to a rational-thinking man! Last night it was announced that I would be spanked today.  Not for anything in particular, but just because it has been a while.  Before Thanksgiving I was getting spanked (usually to tears) at least every other day for reasons various and sundry.  However, after the very long holiday breaks with our kids at home, like 31 extra days off between November and January, we totally fell out of the habit of spanking.  I still always get swats, sometimes really hard ones, throughout the day just because he likes to smack my butt :)  But even though I am pretty well-behaved, I do feel that I personally and our relationship generally both really benefit from my husband tanning my hide occasionally.
  I was trying to explain this to my husband this morning after he had spanked me moderately for just a few minutes.....then said we were done. Just enough to make me wiggle and get mad at him.  I didn't mean to,

A Letter to my Husband--Warning!! Sexual Content

 

I recently sent my husband this email after asking him a question and getting an answer I didn't expect.  I like to check in with him periodically to see if he would appreciate any changes or additions to our sex life.  He said he would like a day to compose his answer, and I am patiently awaiting his response.

Honey I have some questions for you.  Sexually speaking I think I may be confused about what exactly turns you on.  As people, we are constantly evolving and changing and this is good, but I want to make sure we stay on the same page.  When I asked you today if you ever felt like telling me to get on my knees, calling me your slut, and fucking my mouth and you said no, it was confusing to me because you have done that before.  I enjoyed it, and you seemed to at the time as well.  So I guess I just want to discuss with you what you currently enjoy (obviously not that :) )  and what I currently enjoy.  I'll start with me, since I already know what I like.  As with everything in life, my wants and needs go through phases.  Right now, what turns me on the most is knowing that I am pleasing you and knowing that if I don't please you I will be punished (I know this is not reality, just a fantasy in my head as of now, but I enjoy thinking about it) in whatever way you choose. I also love sucking your cock and licking your balls. I love when I can do anything to give you pleasure. I just wish I knew more ways to do that.  I really enjoy being physically AND mentally dominated by you. 

And The Answer is.......My HOH!

I love it when I try to do something I shouldn't and he doesn't let me! I don't do it on purpose, and I am mad at him at the time, but afterwards I realize my mistake and am so appreciative of him :)

Just another spanking meme.....

There is a part for the spanker and the spankee, so if you want to participate pick which one fits you and if you wish, ask your other half to answer their part!  It could be a good tool for couples to see if they're on the same page....... at the least, it could be entertaining.  In the interest of simplicity, I am assuming that the spanker is male and the spankee is female.  I know that this is not always the case, and no offense meant! Feel free to use/repost and change it to meet your needs :)  My husband and I filled these out separately and were a bit surprised at times by the others answers.  He is obviously a man of action, not words! Lol

For The Spanker:

What is your favorite position to have your naughty girl in when you spank her?
 bent over 

What do you prefer to spank her with?
my work belt 

Is there a ritual you use before, during or after a spanking? If yes, what is it and why is it important?
tell my wife that this is good for her and I rub her back after I'm done 

Are there other punishments you use and what are they?
none 

Do you have a set list of rules for your woman or are there just general guidelines?
just do what she's told to do

What is your main reason for having a spanking relationship?
To have her know who is boss and to help her with pain 

Is spanking ever sexual?  If not, is there ever incidental arousal on your part?
It is starting to get me more and more excited 

Would you ever spank her in public if she needed it?
No 

What do you think about her moving, making noise or crying out loud while you are spanking her? How does is make you feel and how does it affect how hard/long you spank?
It makes me laugh sometimes and gets me aroused when she starts to wiggle around  with her ass naked 

Have you/would you ever tell someone (not on the internet!) about this part of your relationship?
No 

 
For The Spankee:

What is your favorite position to be spanked in?
Over his lap

What do you prefer to be spanked with?
His hand, wooden spoon, or occasionally something thin and whippy

Does your HOH use rituals when he spanks you? How does it make you feel?
He usually makes me pull my pants down and get into position.  Sometimes I have to fetch the implement, and I always have to say thank you, but I am grateful so I don't mind.  I like the rituals and feel that they add to the atmosphere.

What other punishments/restrictions have been imposed on you?  Do you prefer those or spanking?
I have been sent to bed early,  I have a set bedtime during the week, a couple of times (years ago) I have had to sit naked in a chair in front of an open door in the winter time.  I prefer a spanking most of the time, but other punishments are effective too.

Do you have rules or guidelines, and if so, which are hardest for you to follow?
Just generally obey him and don't do things I know he doesn't want me to to.  I only have a hard time obeying when I really really want to do something but he doesn't want me to.

What is your motivation to be in a spanking relationship?
I have craved this kind of relationship for forever, and am naturally submissive only to my husband.  I do it for our mutual happiness. 

Is spanking ever sexual for you?  Even if it's not, does your body ever respond with arousal to a spanking?
Yes, there is always an element of sex for me, even if it's purely punishment.  I love the D/s flavor of my marriage and anytime my husband takes control of me it turns me on a little :) 

Would you ever act out/challenge your man in public? If so, what do you hope his response would be?
I have before, but never on purpose.  Actually, this week while out shopping he threatened to take me to the kitchen-ware section and find a spatula to smack me with if I didn't stop being sassy.  I said "You wouldn't spank me here!?!" in a whisper, but the look he gave me made me unsure and I was very polite after that.  I think he might've given me a swat or two, actually.  A great fantasy but I think it would be highly embarrassing to experience. 

Do you ever move, make noise or cry out loud while you are being spanked? Do you feel like it makes a difference in how long/hard you are spanked?
I always do my best not to move much, though I sometimes have a hard time.  I also do my best to limit the noise I make, as I would never want someone besides my husband to hear me! I do think that when I am genuinely crying it makes my man want to stop, although for me to really get an emotional release I need a few minutes longer at least. 

Have you/would you ever tell someone (not on the internet!) about this part of your relationship?
I kind of did once, on accident.  I went with a friend to the swimming pool and I wore shorts over my bathing suit.  She asked why, and I said that I had gotten into trouble, but didn't elaborate and she didn't ask questions after that. 

How I Feel About Spanking......In Photos

BEFORE

Apprehensive, nervous, scared, sometimes defiant

DURING

Sorry, helpless,self-pity, sad

AFTER

Loved, calm, happy, submissive