If I was the Daddy

If I was the Daddy, and you were the princess, I'm sure I'd need to put you in your place pretty often. I think I'd put you on your knees each night and ask you about how you did with your eating habits, whether you took your medicine, if you did anything naughty that day. You would almost always go to sleep with a warm bottom, just because I want you to and it's good for you. If you were just a little naughty, I'd give you a "funishment." I'd get you all worked up with my hands and tongue, then spank  you and whip you in all your sensitive spots, all while continuing to tease and work you up. If I was feeling especially creative, I might clothes pin your nipples and stick you in the corner with a plug in your bottom just to watch you squirm. Since you weren't so bad, I'd probably grant you release before bedtime. Or I might make you service me, then edge for a few minutes before bed, no release for you 😈

If you were actually bad and broke a rule, you'd have to be punished, no fun involved. First I would put you on your knees in front of me for a lecture about why what you did was wrong, and what I expect from you in the future. Then I would warm up your booty with hard hand spankings and put you in the corner for 5 minutes to think about what was going to happen and why. Then I would choose from my arsenal of implements and wear your butt out until I was sure you learned your lesson and weren't fighting it any more. You would be allowed to show me your gratitude with your mouth if I wished, but no other play. Then you'd be sent straight to bed.

But, you're not as devious as i am, so maybe that's good for me!?!

Feeling "Wanty"

Today I woke up feeling like I really need alone time with Daddy. Due to busy lives and teenagers in the house, this doesn't happen very often. We generally have what he calls  "a conversation" about every other evening, to help me maintain my submission and remember who we are(I don't know about anyone else, but without that I start feeling a bit......bossy), but this week's events have conspired to keep that from happening. Part of me wishes that this activity is as essential to him as it is to me, and thst he would find a way to make it more of a priority for us. His valuing my submission is a big part of my wanting to give it to him, if that makes sense. Like, the more he desires it the more submissive I want to be with him. And, I feel that the more frequent our "conversations," things just flow more smoothly for us. I am happiest when he expects(demands) my obedience, and makes sure there is no question about who's in charge, but there's always that niggling feeling(when things get busy and we don't connect in that way) that I am too much work for him, or that I should be mature enough to always be good on my own without his help, although that feeling is becoming less frequent. And although in my professional life I am a leader, teacher, and advisor, I just need for my Daddy to take the reins at home. He does this well, but I think my need for his dominance is increasing lately. I know he will find ways to meet my needs(and I his), but I fear I am the kind of girl that thinks she wants that "storybook dom," you know the kind: He punishes without mercy, is ALWAYS consistent, knows how far past her limits to push, has the will of steel it takes to resist her pouting and doe eyes.......he's not human 😁 In all reality, the man I have is perfect for me, and as we grow together and explore and discover new things, we will adjust accordingly. I  think this morning what I'm experiencing is growing pains, and I also think it's natural. As he and I grow and evolve, our needs evolve as well.

Butterflies

I still get butterflies in my stomach and tingles..... elsewhere..... when he gives me that look, or takes of his belt after a day at work,  or says,  "young lady." Daddy is pretty lenient with me, and his rules are generally easy to follow,  so I don't get in trouble very often. Even when I do, my punishments are pretty bearable. What can I say,  he loves me soooo much! But sometimes,  I wonder what it would be like if he were stricter, or maybe not necessarily that word, but he puts up with a lot of pouting and little things from me,  and although I sometimes get attitude re - sets if I ask for them,  sometimes I fantasize about being taken upstairs when I'm being crabby and taken to task right then and there.  Part of me craves the security of that instant,  "no way, not now,  not ever, " without having done anything very serious.  To make a long story short:  I crave his discipline,  but I don't want to do anything on purpose to provoke him, because I love him and hate actually disappointing him.  I've kind of tried,  but I don't know how to ask for what I want.  He makes me happy in so very many ways, every day,  that I feel a little guilty asking for more! I know I am not alone in the craving for discipline,  but sometimes it sure feels like it,  when I can't talk to anyone about this in person. Maybe what I really mean to say,  is that I want to be held to a higher standard,  and his enforcing that standard means he knows I am capable of more.....

A little of this, a little of that

My Daddy is pretty attentive. That said, I am a girl. I don't always say exactly what I mean and sometimes I am good at hiding what I don't want him to know(at the time). Oh, he can tell when I'm out of sorts,  or upset.  But when life gets too be too much, and my adult leadership/big girl responsibilities are too much for the moment and all I want is time with my Daddy? I try to hide that.  I'm afraid he will be put off by my neediness. I'm afraid to ask for his dominance.  I find it difficult sometimes to have to switch fromalpha at work to sub at home. And, I'm afraid/hopeful he will want to remedy my feelings with a spanking. What is it that makes me love and crave the sadist in him? Sometimes in my fantasies, he will give me pain,  and tell me to take it, simply because he wants me to have it,  and I LIKE THAT!?! Yes I do. As much as I need my caring Daddy who is sensitive to my feelings and needs,  I also crave the stern, can't change his mind,  disciplinarian who will make me take  everything I deserve,  plus a little bit more. Am I high maintenance? Some would say so.

Independence day

Well, apparently I have been too independent this past week. I think I am in for a discussion on how I don't need to "do it myself" all the time. Of course, words are not always involved in these talks except the usual, like OW!

I am so in love with my daddy. He has been very attentive and sweet to me, especially the last several months. He is very accepting of my need for physical attention, whether it's hugs, cuddles, smacks, or kisses. There are times when I just want to be with him so much, and he never says it's too much for him. Of course, relationships, like everything in life, evolve....and my relationship with my husband is no exception. In the very beginning of our relationship we both struggled to see who would be alpha. I desperately wanted him to be, but I wasn't just going to hand it to him. We officially started DD about 5 years into our marriage, and it was pretty rocky at first due to my inability to communicate my feelings well, and the societal conditioning that my husband grew up with. There were times it was great, there was a time we gave it up, and a major crisis in our lives made us realize that we needed it back badly. We have both matured a lot and learned in the decade, and become more accepting of ourselves and each other. We still do DD, with lots of D/s incorporated.  Over the last 3 years or so, I have begun to think of him as Daddy. He takes care of me in many ways, and I really enjoy that I can be the silly playful girl that I am and not censor myself in any way around him. I really enjoy being his babygirl and knowing he is in charge and he's got me. There's more I want to say, but it can wait for another post 😊

Needy

I am finally in a place where I am mostly just accepting of my need for discipline. Sometimes it's frustrating, and sometimes, just briefly, I wish I didn't need it. But then I remember how strong and intimate my marriage is, and how much I continue to grow. It's not always easy to humble myself and accept it with grace and gratitude,  but I'm working on that. I don't enjoy the actual discipline, of course, because ouch! But the after-effects are great! What I am struggling with the most right now is asking for spankings when I need them, before corrective measures are necessary, and keeping my tone respectful at all times. My husband is great at pointing out when I'm not, but sometimes waits to correct me for too long, or lets me get away with it for fear of being too harsh and breaking my spirit(my words, not his-but I think he would agree). I wish he would be a bit more consistent with that, although we have both grown by leaps and bounds in this area in the last year. I have talked with him about it before, and it gets better for a while, but then life happens and we get busy, and sometimes I get the "he obviously doesn't care so why should I?" attitude, even though in my heart I know that's not true. We always sort it out, but I hope that someday we will be able to avoid that place. It helps that I go to him, more often than not, when I am feeling needy. I just wish he was psychic, and could tell what I need, and how much I need, without me having to say anything!

Lucky Girl

Some days I realize just how blessed I am to have a husband who takes such good care of me. Some days I appreciate the ways he helps me make the best decisions and guides me to do what's best for me. But some days, I just want what I want and I don't want to answer to anybody. My inner brat kicks in and I throw a fit, or I feel a shift in me where I am taking control back, even if just emotionally.  But, one thing I've been working really hard on is communicating my feelings to my husband, in the moment as they're happening. In the past, I've distanced myself or just pretended I was fine, and only later admitted what was troubling me. But I've found there's far less drama and crying for me when I simply deal with things as they come up. If only I could stop my inner brat in her tracks more often......I always want to blame it on my Husband and say "If you were stricter with me maybe I'd be less bratty" but then when he is more strict I complain too. There is just no pleasing me I guess. But we have talked about doing maintenance more often in the future, and I think that will help. Life is just very busy, and our kids are always around, and at ages where them hearing anything has to be out of the question. But we do have a quiet implement, even though I hate it. I guess I really miss the days where he and I used to be at home together while the kids were at school. Now he doesn't work from home anymore and I also work full time, so there is very rarely a moment when we are alone together except in the car.  Luckily he is very good at helping me stay where I need to be verbally, but every once in a while, I think I need a "master reset", you know? On a happy note, we are making progress with our Christmas shopping and having a great time with our kiddos :)
Christmas is coming and I can't wait!

I'm Back!

Hello Blogland! How I've missed you!!!
I have spent the last year and a half wondering how everyone here was doing, and missing the understanding words of women who understand me. My separation from you all was a side effect of me taking some very much-needed time to work on my physical and emotional well-being, and I am now in a much better place than I've ever been.  I have lost 65 pounds and have become a runner and learned to practice yoga. My marriage is in a really great place, although we are just getting back into the swing of the more physical aspects of DD.  I asked to be spanked last night, and my wishes were happily granted.  My husband spanked me with a belt just until that pivotal moment before the tears began to flow, when true acceptance of my powerlessness sets in. It was just what I needed, even though I was tempted to ask for more later, but I was too sleepy.  I look forward to re-acquainting myself with Blogland and all of you, but that's all for now :)

Life and Bruises

Man, life is sure happening.  This time of year is when we settle into new routines and enjoy earlier bedtimes.  There is  a definite chill in the air where I live, leaves are turning gorgeous colors, gardens are being harvested one last time.  Best of all, my husband has changed his schedule at work so that he's available more often....sometimes even when the kids are in school!  It's been great to hang out with him more, and he's definitely taken the opportunity to tease, torment, and satisfy me more often :) 

I don't know if this is normal or not, but usually beyond getting red, my bottom no longer marks, so we haven't seen bruises on me in quite a while.  But a few days ago, Ash decided to switch things up and made me spread my legs as I bent over the back of our big chair, so he could reach the inside of my cheeks, and thoroughly worked me over with the horrible holey plastic spoon.  He kept stopping to have me service him though, so I got mini breaks and didn't realize just how bad it had gotten back there.  I was sore for sure, even had to play on the tablet on my tummy, which I don't usually need to do.  But it didn't occur to me to look at the damage until the following day when I was exiting the shower(and then only cause it was still so tender!).  I was really surprised to find several tiny bruises on one side and a lemon-sized purple splotch on the other. Unfortunately, I think that area will soon be a bruise-free zone too like the rest of my bottom. It kind of sucks not having marks show up anymore, because when all that's left is a slight redness after a few hours, he might think he didn't do a good enough job!

I keep thinking of things I would like to post about, but only having internet access two days a week is cramping my style in that department, plus I'm super busy.  Managing the day to day kid stuff, serving my husband full time, and cooking all our food from scratch is about all I am up to right now anyway, so unfortunately all I have right now is mundane updates. I am still  slowly working on my novel, only about an hour a day, so I probably won't be finished for a year at this rate.  But the next time I post I should be in a place where I can include an interesting, if not spicy, excerpt.

Until then, I leave you with this loving image  :)

Is it "Bratting", And is it Preventable?

Hello to everyone in the Land! I have enjoyed mostly lurking on your blogs lately, but I do miss commenting! I have very little time on the internet these days, as Ash has shifted my focus to other tasks and activities. In my last post, I was excited/nervous about the return of nearly everyday spankings since our little clan has gone back to school. Ash and I had both assumed that we'd just pick up where we left off in June and it would pretty much be the same: He spanks me long and hard at least 4 days a week.  But we didn't take into account the personal growth that has occurred in each of us individually and in our relationship.

The past 3 months have provided us with PLENTY of opportunities to grow closer as we have faced challenges that seemed insurmountable and come out on top, together. His leadership has improved, he is consistent and thoughtful now in ways he wasn't before. Because of this, my submission has deepened with his gentle(and sometimes not so gentle!) encouragement. I find it easier to comply without always giving him my 2 cents, and am left feeling content and grateful for his direction rather than unheard and slighted.
 Because of the increase in my positive attitudes and behaviors, and the decrease in my unwanted attitudes and behaviors, things have changed spanking-wise. Ash no longer considers it wise to spank the way he did before, when I am really doing pretty well. He has also learned to use alternative punishments when he feels they are appropriate, such as corner time, early bedtime, restriction from certain things I love, etc. So now it's only once or twice a week that I am spanked until I'm pretty much incoherently sobbing. Lucky for my butt, I'm a big baby and it doesn't take much to make me cry!

In fact, if I go too long between the hard whoopins, I start to cry at really dumb things(needless to say I cried a lot at the stupidest things all summer!). It's awfully embarrassing too because of course Ash always notices and knows exactly what's wrong and how to fix it. It is very humbling to admit out loud that I need him to do what he does so well.
Now, as for the title of this post. I find myself occasionally wanting to "poke" my bear of a husband(who seriously growls at me in his sleep sometimes! It's adorable.)even despite getting adequate attention and discipline. I am not allowed to stick my tongue out at him, roll my eyes, or be sarcastic to him. But sometimes I just want to so bad! I gave in to that feeling tonight before I could think better of it, even though my bottom is still glowing red from this morning, and briefly stuck my tongue out at him. He just went about his business! I pondered that for a moment, unsure of how I felt about that.

Do I do a happy dance 'cause I got away with it? Do I feel hurt that he didn't care to correct me? Am I too much work for him?

I decided I wasn't exactly happy with myself for doing it, and not happy he let it go either, so I talked with him about it. Turns out he didn't see it, but he thanked me for telling on myself again(which I always do, for better or for worse!)and then used the horrid plastic spoon full of holes to remind me that my tongue belongs many places, but sticking out at him isn't one of them!
 I guess I am wondering if any of you ladies out there ever feel this way, even when things are going well. And if so, is it "bratting"? Even if it's a split-second, almost unconscious decision? Is there anything that helps you not to do this? I would never plot to get my husband's attention by acting badly on purpose, don't get me wrong. Sometimes the little girl in me just wants to be naughty, and shoves the adult aside.

 

Maybe I should download this card into my brain and give little me and big me each a copy!

The Return of Everyday Spankings

Fall is almost here! It is the best season of all time for many reasons, not the least of which is the more temperate weather and beautiful colors. I plan to spend most of my time for the next three months in a place that looks like this

Another great thing about Autumn is that the kids have all gone back to school, which means that Ash and I now have a couple hours each day together, kid-free.  And of course, that means lots more spankings for me.  Today was the first of many "good girl" spankings. Before you say "lucky girl!", let me explain. During the summer, I mostly just get punishment spankings and occasional stress relief or reconnection spankings. During the fall winter and spring, I get almost daily long, hard spankings (for me that's like 10 minutes or so) to keep me in an obedient and submissive mindset and to help me remember to be good, because I HATE punishments, even though they are no where near as hard or long. Ash calls these good girl spankings because they help me be his good girl.  I tried explaining what I think a good girl spanking should be (you know, not too hard, lots of sexy touching, etc.) but so far he's not so receptive to the idea. He likes his way better. Imagine that. On the bright side, when it's all over I do feel more connected to him and I have an easier time obeying and having a good attitude.
I am also very much looking forward to fall food! In the summer we keep things light with lots of fresh seasonal fruits and veggies and lean protein as the bulk of what we eat. But in the fall and winter there are so many possibilities, and I can use my oven again!

 

 Yum!

 I am in the process of writing a new book too. I got half way done with my last book before my computer crashed and I lost ALL my data. So this time, I keep back-ups! I have been writing fiction for a long time, and spanking fiction for about 10 years, but I've never considered publishing until recently. When I began blogging this time, it was with the intention of sharing some of that work, thus the blog title. But after reviewing some old stuff, I decided my style has changed for the better so I'm not sharing those! As I get further into the plot of my current work, I am hoping to post excerpts here to see what people think. I would love feedback, positive or negative, as long as it's constructive and honest :) I am having so much fun tapping into my inner magic for this story!  Hopefully I will be able to post more often now that I have my days somewhat to myself again too.

 Happy end of Summer!

May we all remember our blessings that they lessen our burdens.

I have missed blogland!

Things here have been good. I am not able to access the internet except for twice a week and some weeknights now due to my husband's work schedule though, so I have (obviously!) not been able to post or read much.  Plus I COMPLETELY broke my husband's phone that I use to go online on the weeknights.  It still works but the screen looks like this:

So it's a little difficult to see and comment without cutting myself! 

I tried a screen cover but there were too many glass shards for it to stick well :(  Oh well, at least I didn't get in trouble for breaking it. It really was an accident and I was crying as I told him what I did because I felt terrible. He assured me that it was no big deal, he loves me more than his phone, lol.  What I wanted to share tonight was a short "story" that I wrote for my husband a little while ago.  I was trying to explain how I was feeling at the time but I couldn't do it because it just upset me, so I had to pretend it wasn't me. I pretended that He and I were just character from one of my stories.  Can anyone here identify?

Once upon a time there was a woman who missed a Man. She was a slave who missed her Master, a pet who missed her Owner, a wife who missed her husband, a slut who missed being used, a naughty little girl who missed her strict disciplinarian, a submissive who missed her Sir, a queen who missed her King. She was used to having decisions made for her, being watched closely, and being given instructions and orders.  She was also accustomed to obeying this Man, for if she didn’t she knew that she would be punished.  You see, she loved this Man she missed more than anything in the whole world, and he loved her too.  He showed his love to her every day by seeing areas of her life that she struggled with and helping her change them.  More than just a Man, He was her creator too, molding and shaping her through loving discipline, helping her become the person they both knew she could be.  Now, I know it sounds like a lot of work that the Man was doing, and it was.  But it was not without benefit for Him as well. His woman could be whatever he needed her to be, he only had to command it. Helping His woman overcome her stumbling blocks in life made Him think about His own actions.  She always looked at Him with stars in her eyes, and truly if you asked her, she would tell you that the sun rose and set with Him.  The trust she put in Him to guide her through life made Him very aware of his own moral failures and triumphs, so that he too was constantly becoming a better person. 

But lately the Man had withdrawn a bit, not guiding and disciplining his woman the way he usually did. This made the woman begin to feel insecure about her place in the world. She knew that the Man loved her still, though he didn’t show it in all the ways he usually did.  But knowing and seeing are different things.  She wanted to be truthful to the Man when he asked her what was wrong, but she thought it would only upset him to hear the truth so she said “nothing”.  The woman tried her best to be patient and bide her time until the man returned to his true self, but emotions continued to overwhelm her.  Every time the Man failed to discipline or lecture or instruct her, a voice rang out in her head: “He doesn’t love you”.  Every time she lay in bed, unused, the voice repeated: “He doesn’t love you.” Her head knew this to be a lie, but her heart was not always so wise.  But still, she pushed the voice aside and after many tears, banished the voice again and again. 

At any command he gave her, her heart surged with happiness.  With every infrequent correction, she nearly swooned.  These things were tangible proof of his love! She would try harder to be patient and wait for him to come back to her. 

The End

Just Us

I would like to apologize for the dramatic posts lately. I claim PMS as my only real excuse. Sometimes things just seem so hopeless and huge in the moment, ya know? So after my last post, I wrote to my husband and detailed why I was so worked up. I tried to better explain myself and made sure to reiterate and expound upon the key points, and wonder of wonders, he got it! We have talked at length since then about what I wrote and how we both feel about the issues I brought up. And even though I am still struggling with some things, the simple act of sharing with him made me feel so much better! He told me that he knew he had been lax with me since the kids have been out of school. He was aware that he had been less "Hoh-ey" as well. He even remarked that he missed the closeness that almost daily spankings brought. But most importantly to me, he understands now that I need him to DO SOMETHING about these things. To be fair, he does work a lot. But, he has promised to carve out time for us to just be "us" without having to worry about little eyes and ears. And he has decided that I have grown too big for my britches in the last couple of months, talking back(which I NEVER do of course) a bit too often. So I am trying extra hard to watch my P's and Q's and be respectful, but I usually fall flat on my face on this matter at least a couple times a week  :(  Tomorrow is our first kid-free together time, so hopefully only a short amount of that time will be spent with only me undressed. As much as I know it's beneficial and totally necessary, it sucks getting spanked! I apologize if there are many spelling/punctuation errors. Mobile blogger doesn't have spellcheck and its really late  :) Hope everyone is having a good week so far!

I popped

Well, despite the great advice given to me and a little effort on my part, I still have not been properly spanked since the first week of June. There were a few mini-punishments, lots of smacks here and there, including a very public handful of hard smacks at the grocery store, and many more in the kitchen where we have 2 drawers plus a canister full of potential implements stashed away. I actually have been really well behaved, aside from a few little things. I have spoken to him with a less than pleasant tone at times, stuck my tongue out once or twice, forgotten a chore once.  Those were all dealt with quickly and were over, no big deal.  So in my husband's mind (I am pretty much guessing here, aside from a few times of him telling me what a good girl I have been) there is no real reason to spank. We have discussed the lack of span I still call him Sir, I serve him and I obey him gladly most of the time. We sit together each night and I get to snuggle under his arm, he still makes me go to bed each night when he says I am tired enough, whether I want to or not(darn him for reading me so well in that department!) and kisses me goodnight. I am submissive to him.  But.........over the last month my attitude and outlook have changed a little bit. Where  before I was eager to serve him every time, now sometimes it's a chore. Where I used to obey with a genuine smile, now I sometimes fake one. I don't feel as close and connected to him, and I am guilty of a gradual "un-softening" of my heart. Something's been missing and I have been clueless as to how to put it into words, but here is a picture. (By the way, I do know that what I have with him is more than some people could dream of and that I am spoiled. But please don't take offense, I am just trying to process.)

I have also been confused as to his expectations of me in certain ways. For example, he always tells me that he wants me to be myself, that he likes how I tell him what I think and that I play around. But sometimes I get in trouble for those same things. Not as much lately, but today.....I was in the kitchen and we had been chatting back and forth playfully. I said something VERY mildly insulting to him, joking as we had been all morning. He didn't find it as funny as I did and gave me a very solid whack with a heavy spoon that has holes in it(while I futilely attempted to explain what I said).  That was when the past month's worth of not enough attention and decreasing connection came to a head and I popped. I melted down into immediate tears and couldn't form a coherent word, so I excused myself to my room. Ash followed me, horrified. Apparently he had meant to deliver a playful swat, not leave a big purple bruise with one swat and emotionally overwhelm me. He apologized profusely and I assured him that I was "fine", and asked for time alone, which he gave me. I sobbed and did chores trying to process what I was feeling and understand why on earth I was so upset. About an hour later Ash came to check on me and patiently but persistently prodded me to talk to him. When it took me ten minutes to share with him that I was confused and hurt and felt that I was no longer his priority, and I still couldn't tell him why.....that 's when I knew that I had been building walls around my heart this whole time. I knew what I needed, but I was too upset and embarrassed to explain it. It makes me feel so inferior as a woman sometimes that I need his instructive and disciplinary influence on me to be really happy in our marriage.  And emotionally, I was feeling just like I did the first time I had to explain to him that I wanted him to discipline me. So I didn't go there. And I tried so hard to calm down for him, I really did. But I remain on the verge of tears even now, hours later, and I suspect many more will be shed before I am done writing to/for him.  Why is it so hard to understand my feelings? They're mine, after all. Am I just emotionally stupid? Do I not pay enough attention to life? I really don't know. I just hope I can get it all straight-both in my head and on paper tonight so that it makes sense.....to me AND to my husband.  So here is my wish(on the first star tonight, since it's not my birthday):

Why does a husband taking charge, paying attention and spanking his wife soundly produce such a magical effect? I really wish there was some other way.

What has gotten in to me?

Summer is here, hooray! Time for shorts and sunbathing and bbq and margaritas on the porch. Also, time for the kids to be home ALL DAY LONG. Which, honestly, I mostly love. I enjoy hanging out with them, teaching them new things and talking about random and not-so-random things. They are a fun little group. But alas, I was spoiled during the school year and had my Husband to myself for a few hours every day, without my kiddos. So now that they are home practically 24/7, there is no real alone time for my Husband and I except after 10:30, by which time we are both pretty tired.

I can't believe I didn't realize just how easy I had it! We had plenty of time for sex, spanking, cuddle time, everything. But now we are doing our best to squeeze it in. I only get to have him 4 nights a week, as his second job takes him away the other three nights :(  So there are lots of quick half-spankings, groping in the hallways, sternly whispered lectures, and other overt signs that DD/D/s/ttwd is alive and well. And it is, really. I just suddenly find myself really wanting to challenge him!

It is so frustrating, because I know I shouldn't stick my tongue out at him, but I just get an overwhelming urge to do it, so sometimes I do. I know it's not in my best interest to refuse to answer the way he expects when he's HOLDING the paddle. But do I care? Apparently not. I am so frustrated with myself that I just don't know what to do. Why am I suddenly having such bratty impulses? Most of the time I am the mild-mannered good girl who serves her man respectfully. But sometimes, like daily, that girl goes away and the brat comes out.

Unfortunately, I think I know what will make The Brat go away(yes, I am giving that side of me a name now :) ) and that is an extra long, extra hard punishment that will leave me with no doubt as to who I am and how I am expected to behave. But.....I don't see how that is going to happen anytime soon. I would suggest alternative punishments to Ash, but he finds most of them "too childish for an adult"(his words).

Am I just being a big baby? Do I just need to suck it up and tell myself that if it sounds fun to do while Ash is around that I probably shouldn't do it? I don't know. Like I said, it only happens once or twice a day lately(although that is a lot, right?)that I have an irresistible urge to do something naughty. If anybody has any ideas, I'd love to hear them. If I am being a big spoiled weenie you should tell me that too. It's hard, sometimes to tell if you are just being self-indulgent or what.

I hope all of you out there is blogland are having a good week, and thanks for listening to me whine!

The Vagina Post

I had a conversation with a friend recently about vaginas. There may or may not have been alcohol involved. Here is a recap, to distract you from a million other things you could be doing!  :)

Who knew people were so creative with names for our girly parts?

Eeeeew! Do chickens even have vaginas?

Seriously, who comes up with this stuff?

Grooming 101?

Take it from Betty, she's one smart cookie

Q: Did you hear about the blind gynecologist? 
A: He could read lips!

 

 Isn't that how everyone deals with a bad day?!?

Not the color I would choose either......


Happy Tuesday!

Processing Events

Today has been a truly odd day. In fact this week has just been weird. Sunday night I got some bad news, and was in a very emotional, strange head space until Monday night. I talked to my Grandmother and she prayed with me, and just basically soothed my soul. And then there was today. My family is back to normal, as my sister's children have gone back home to live with their parents. Today Ash and I had the house to ourselves for the first time in over a month! Of course he had definite ideas on what we would be doing. I haven't been napping nearly often enough lately, so now that I can, he insisted that I take a nap. Normally I don't need much persuading, but I really wasn't that tired this morning. He tucked me in anyway. I tried to sleep, I really did. I dozed in and out and had just really fallen asleep when he came to wake me up. But even though I was now tired, I was more exited to spend the day with him so I got up and made lunch, then went to take a shower. He came upstairs when I got out and ordered me over the pillows for a long-awaited "real" spanking(instead of 10 quick hard paddle smacks that had been serving as a spanking during The Time of Many Children).
  I reminded him that it had been a while since we had done this and my bottom would greatly appreciate gentler treatment in the beginning. I told him this about 5 times from Monday night until that moment. He said he would start lighter, and began to smack away. Well, they weren't full force smacks, but they sure stung like crazy. I told him it hurt too much, but he remarked that he wasn't even smacking that hard yet. So after ten or fifteen of his "lighter" smacks, he went to town, hard and fast. I was sobbing instantly, and trying(but failing) to catch my breath. Part of the problem on my end was that my face was too close to one of the pillows, keeping me from breathing properly. He spanked me like that for about 2 minutes I think, but it felt like forever. He ended with his usual extra hard smacks, and then stopped.
After about 30 seconds, he asked me why I was crying, as he always does after I get spanked. I couldn't find any words, just tears. I cried for another couple of minutes before I could calm down enough to talk to him. 
He asked why I was so upset, what was wrong? He really had no clue. I told him that my feelings were hurt because he didn't pay attention to my request, and instead overwhelmed me with pain.  I told him that I realize it's not up to me how I am spanked(which he likes to remind me of), but that I was upset that he didn't realize how panicked I was, and I just really was hurt that he didn't take the time to do a warm up after so long of no real spanking. I am never given a warm up before a punishment, but he has slowly come around to giving them for most other spankings. This time I was not in trouble, it was just to reconnect.
By this time there was not too much sting left in my bottom, and I was just so sad and a little mad. I asked him if we could just start over, and please be more gentle in the beginning this time.
 He of course had apologized a bunch by now for making me feel that way, and he said he didn't realize I was panicked and unable to breathe because I kept my face in the pillow. He even asked if I wanted to give him swats so I would feel better. I chose not to. Then he agreed to start over.
This time was a lot easier to take of course, because of the previous spanking. He actually used his hand, which he has never done before aside from smacks here and there during the day. Then he progressed to using the black paddle again, with a much more gradual build up this time, then finishing in the usual way. I was crying again, and it took most of the afternoon to be able to stop. Even now as I write this I am tearing up and I can't sort out why I am still so upset. We both failed to communicate well here, and he didn't even leave a single mark, so it's not like he was too hard on me. It must just be life again.
A couple hours later we watched a horrible foreign film called "Martyrs", which I do not recommend(unless seriously maiming people is your thing). We did watch the whole thing, as it was like a train wreck and we just had to see what carnage was down the line. But as soon as it was over we deleted it! Then we went upstairs for some cuddle time, which in our house really means he pins me down and tickles me. That was fun :)
But now I am alone for the first time in a very long time. Ash is at his 2nd job and the kids are sleeping. I think I'm going to watch a Disney movie and go to bed early to rest up, as Ash has promised to work on his warm up skills and "help" me work on my communication skills all day tomorrow!

Adjustments

So, how are things, you ask? Well, life is happening. Lots of kid's functions and extended-family drama. School's almost out, so there's lots of planning to do to keep those kiddos entertained and out of trouble! In my last post I told you that our D/s-DD dynamic was still going strong. That's still true. But I have learned some things about myself over the past couple weeks.
 I have learned that I need frequent reminders to submit to my husband, even when physical reminders aren't possible. Apparently I tend to get a little too independent when I only get spanked once every 9 days or so. Ash still smacks my butt frequently throughout the day, but there's a special, almost magical thing that happens when I am well-spanked. It seems to transform my attitude completely. I stop trying to figure things out on my own, I don't worry, I don't question him or try to get my way. For a few days after he holds me tightly and spanks away(as I cry and try my best to avoid the swats) I am gentle, peaceful, docile, obedient, happy.  I look to him for my answers, and ask for permission when I should.
I have learned that I get insecure when I think he may not be secure in his role. After many days of not experiencing his physical dominance much, I am not up for jokes about how he is willing to put up with a pile of laundry on the bed because he is just glad that he doesn't have to fold it. I don't react well when he tells me to get into position and I do it halfway and he lets it go. Little things can put me in a very vulnerable and sad place. So I had to write him a letter and explain, because to a normal person, joking about laundry does not make them question their role in a relationship. Of course he knew that he could command that I find a way to keep up on all the chores I usually do despite the extra demands on my time, I just needed to hear him say that he was being mindful of my needs and limits. We both learned while leniency may seem kind, it's not what I need.
Like all good things, our relationship is constantly evolving and growing. I consider my husband my partner, my love, my Dom, Hoh, Master. I have learned that I really get joy from serving him too, and things are so peaceful between us. Even when I accidentally create drama, he takes care of it and it's over before it starts. I feel so blessed to be married to such a man, that understands me so well, and continues to work at doing so.
Life is truly crazy and busy and messy. But how boring would it be otherwise? :)

Caution: Changes in The Road Ahead!

Life is sure crazy these days. Spring is here and the time to sit under a cozy blanket and blog by the fire is gone. Now I'm lucky if I get to sit down at all during the day! This is the time for digging in the garden, going to the park, walking to school instead of driving, and opening the windows wide. Unfortunately this leaves little time for playing on the internet. In addition to this, my 2 young nephews are now living with my husband and I for at least the next month. It is a big change for us to add 2 preschoolers to our 3 bedroom house, especially since my youngest is now 8, so nothing is childproofed anymore :) But all is going well so far. They miss their parents of course, but we are staying busy.

{not us of course but you get the picture!}

I do, however, miss my privacy terribly. I used to have a few uninterrupted hours every day with my Sir, but that is now a thing of the past. We have 2 hours alone together 3-4 days a week, which I know is more than some people get, but I have been spoiled. Thank goodness he is such a wonderful man. Our dd-D/s dynamic has not slipped even a little, despite having constant company these days. Even when his mother came to spend the day with us, I was not excused from answering with "yes, Sir" to his questions and requests. And he must have been feeling particularly ballsy today because we had all 5 children plus 2 neighbor kids playing at our house. They all ran upstairs while we were downstairs, and he quickly whipped my pants down and smacked my ass a couple of times, very hard. Then he pulled my pants up and and answered to my questioning look, "Just because."

 I can still kneel at his feet and hug him, though I will have a toddler climbing on my back, and though it is really a struggle sometimes to maintain my submission when I am managing 5 loud boisterous small people and all the meals and squabbles and needs that come with them, he really helps keep me calm and centered.
So while I will be sneaking in reading and commenting as much as time will allow, I kind of doubt that I will have very much time to post. If anything happens here that truly bears mention though, I promise I'll make an effort.  Though it does seems that blogland is less occupied these days, this is the season to get up and play and make the most of the sunshine if we get any :)  When darker, chilly days return, I'm sure we'll all pick up our mugs of cider and our laptops to hunker down and ponder more deeply ttwd.